Me, Not Me (am etheree)
She
is me
is not me
Ebullient to the point
where even strangers point fingers
at her dancing in the rain
How she sings along with grocery karaoke
Her ass sways as she pushes the cat
grabbing junk food, beer, and tofu with equal enthusiasm
This jitterbug dervish, drug-free hippiehead, the part I keep hidden.
© 2011 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
She is, in fact, me on an old manic high in my manic-depressive cycle. I feel that, once in a while, I have to remind myself as much as my readers what it’s like to be caught in that bubble, flying overhead where all can see you. It’s so eacy to make run of someone in this state on the street – but I was once one of them. I’m managing through my psychiatrist and therapist – but once upon a time, I thought this was simply a facet of normal life, not understanding the embarrassment and possible damage to self I could inflict… did I mention that, when walking about town on a manic high, I never noticed traffic lights?
Posted, as always, at my poetic haven, Poets United, and I remembered to post to dverse poets, a new site with some extraordinary talent, plus open forums. Peace and clear thinking, Amy
Sharp Little Pencil 
vivienne Blake
Good etheree – I join you in “… dancing in the rain” and “… sings along with grocery karaoke”. I draw the line at ignoring traffic lights, though. Seriously, I’m so glad you survived the traffic hazards to learn to manage your condition.
Sharp Little Pencil
Amen to that, Viv. That was a serious problem, along with dancing on bar stools… Yes, I’m truly hoping my worst mistakes are behind me, as long as I stick to the plan. And I’m much more mentally organized to write poetry now, which I never could have managed, let alone a blog. Thanks, hon. Amy
kaykuala
Gosh Amy! I thought the girl at our office was the only one who had it before. She had to see a couple of medical guys and was her normal self in no time. Nothing serious I thought, though she was down in the mood for some while every time.
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh yeah, that’s bipolar disorder, or manic depression, to a “t,” Hank. Very perceptive of you. And yes, with proper meds and ALWAYS accompanied by counseling, you’d be surprise how well some folks can do. I’m very fortunate to have found the “magic meds” and the right therapist, and I’m in good shape. Not employable (I have down days where I’m plastered to the barcalounger) but able to write, manage my blog, do family accounts, like that. Thanks! Amy
leesis
Amy I just got to say…I love what you write
Sharp Little Pencil
Leesa, right back atcha! I’m coming over right now!! Amy
Tilly Bud
Honest and brave, Amy. Just like you 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
Linda, I can’t think of a nicer compliment, thank you. Peace, Amy
Debbie
I not only love your poems, Amy, but the understanding and teaching that you bring us through them. This will make me stop and think and pray when I see someone marching to a different drummer. Thank you! And I’m so glad that you are still safe, still with us, still keeping us informed with all you’ve been through.
Sharp Little Pencil
Debbie, thank you for this comment. It’s part of my calling, I guess, to write about my experiences with total candor, in hopes that the stigma of mental illness will be eradicated. Everyone marches to a different drummer – but some of us have Krupa, Ringo, and Keith Moon all competing for attention at the same time!! 😉 Amy
Roger Green
I relate.
Sharp Little Pencil
Reeeeeeeally? Hmmmm… (pauses to consider) Amy
Andrew Kreider
Amy, I love this. It’s so evocative. There is compassion and love together with a sense of that sky-high buzz. And somehow, pushing a cat around the grocery store just adds to the mix!
Sharp Little Pencil
Andrew, my face is SO RED. Glad you enjoyed the “cat,” but it was supposed to be :”cart”! Some kind of Freudian typo, because I miss our cat Gable so much!!
Glad the buzz came through for you on this, because I’ve had those times, and I”m glad I can now feel them coming on and take an anti-anxiety med, because embarrassing myself in public is not generally something I enjoy – unless it’s guerrilla theater or protesting the war!! Amy
Kim Nelson
I love this piece, Amy. You so concisely convey a fraction of manic reality. Well done.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you so much, Kim. I am always present to what’s just beneath the surface… the difference now is that I have more than a touch of control over my highs and a stepping stool up from my lows. Some days, depression is too hard to fight, so I try to talk to it and get myself out there. But anyone who goes off the meds to catch that high is in trouble. I have a support group and we talk about that one a lot! Amy
Daydreamertoo
Chloe my 15 yr old) was diagnosed ADHD at aged 6. She couldn’t sit still for 3 mins without arms and legs flying. At 9, I used to have to physically stand in front of her to stop her from running all around the house. She would be going so fast, she’d bang into the walls. I’d take a hold of both wrists and have to make her stand still and her whole body would literally be ‘vibrating’ from all that pent up energy. She’s not quite as bad now, but, she still has at least one hyper-active mood per day. I try and channel all that energy into other things but, she admits, she LOVES the buzz she gets when she’s in these hyper modes.
I can only imagine what you used to feel like when you were on the ‘up’ side of your manic depressions. I would think (like chloe) you could be a danger to yourself, easily.
Glad you have it under control now. Your prose describes it so well.
Sharp Little Pencil
I’m sending you an email in response, OK? Peace. Really. P-E-A-C-E!!!! Amy
liv2write2day
A day at a time. I think EVERYONE can relate to this to some extent.
Sharp Little Pencil
Yes, on so many levels! Great comment, hon! Thanks for stopping by, Victoria. Amy
Mike Patrick
Looking back, and seeing one’s true past, is the best incentive to work on the future. Our shadows haunt us, our future shines.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you, Mike. This truly was my past, and if I had not been able to get a grip on things and had a supportive husband, I’d still be running down the aisles with CARTS, not cats…! Amy
brian
thank you for sharing that part with us…she sounds kinda sassy…smiles.
edit…spelling, cat vs cart?
Sharp Little Pencil
Brian, she WAS me, and sassy and more (winks). And yes, I have already edited post, but thanks for catching the typo! I might as well have BEEN shaking my ass in the aisles with cats, though… it wouldn’t have made much difference! (Having a sense of humor about oneself is a critical piece of surviving mental illness…) Thx a lot! Amy
Claudia
i got a colleague at work and he’s manic depressive – so i know a bit about it…the dancing in the rain and next day drowning in the floods…great that you have seemed to find a way and can write about it…much like your etheree
Sharp Little Pencil
Claudia, thanks so much for this, glad you stopped by. Hope your colleague can find the help he needs – my motto is, “No meds without a regular therapist weekly!” Some folks throw pills at the problem and think it’s solved… only to go back off them when they want the “high.” Therapy helps get underneath the triggers so you can stay on course. I appreciate this, C. Amy
Jannie Funster
I wonder if I’m a bit manic too. Probably a touch.
I really smiled at this — fun to sway one’s ass while shopping!! 🙂
So great to meet you via dVerse.
Sharp Little Pencil
Same here, Jannie. I usually am so spacy I forget to catch that prompt on time, but this week – YEAH!
I think everyone is manic and/or depressed on some level. It’s when it gets out of hand, when you know your mouth is babbling and you cannot stop it – when you see yourself on videotape and everyone in the room is laughing except you… I learned what my triggers are, where to get help, and now I’m about as fun as ever – not drugged-down or anything. Just happy! Thanks again for stopping by. Now I will pay you a visit! Amy
brenda w
One time, I belted out I’m hooked on a feeling in the freezer aisle at the grocery store, and another woman joined me. It was delightful. Your free spirit runs through this poem, Amy—you would sing with me in the aisles. You rock!
Sharp Little Pencil
Brenda, I have also broken into song with another “chick” at the store… and one old guy waltzed me down the aisle to “Can I Have This Dance For the Rest of My Life?” Honestly, we do live life out loud! And even though this represents me at my most manic (which is under control now), I confess, I’ll sing with anyone, anywhere, and thank God you will, too!! Amy
Arron Shilling (@ArronShilling)
Hey – I can identify with all you speak of – which you do so well – this structure is just right for your piece.
Stay Healthy – the Golden mean
Arron
Sharp Little Pencil
Yes, Arron. That means NEVER go off my meds or quit therapy or group. Funny, but writing about my past helps bolster my future. Meant to be. Thanks so much, Amy
Pat Hatt
Wonderful piece and love the use of pyramid type form, it isn’t the easiest to do, but it turned out great.
Sharp Little Pencil
The beauty of the etheree is that it is based on word count, not on format or syllables. Try it! But the BEST would be an etheree that also afforded the sleek look of a pyramid. OCD heaven, ha ha. Thanks for stopping by – I’m coming over to see what’s up with you now. Peace, Amy
Laurie Kolp
Amy- Powerful! I love “she sings along with grocery karaoke.”
laurie kolp
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, Laurie. Now I know Brenda does duets with total strangers, too – I don’t feel quite so awkward. And I hope I am never so “level” that I stop with THAT particular pleasure. It’s amazing the people you can meet when your DNA lacks that “guard” everyone else has up all the time! Amy
jenneandrews
Alluring write– you establish a bit of mystery for us– very lyrical! Did you mean pushes the cart? xxxxj i’m at http://parolavivace.blogspot.com
Sharp Little Pencil
YES!! Pushes the cat, indeed. You’re the third sharpie who caught that one, and am I blushing with embarrassment. Went back and corrected it, albeit too late for those who subscribe via email!
The only mystery – and miracle – was making it out of those intensely manic states and into a treatment plan. Now I’m not afraid to tell folks; in fact, I’m quite up front about the fact that I’m manic depressive and living with PTSD, a sexual abuse survivor as well. I manage all through psychiatric meds (which I NEVER skip), therapy (no point in popping pills if you’re not going to talk about the triggers), yoga, meditation, and prayer. Oh, and a great support group! Thanks, Amy Who Doesn’t Push Cats
henryclemmons
U have one of the koolest voices. Luved this; even though it the part you keep hidden:) Great write again.
http://henryclemmons.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/i-just-dream/#comments
Sharp Little Pencil
It’s only hidden so I don’t scare people!! Thanx for the kool kompliment, Henry… Peace, Amy
Amanda Moore
“grocery karaoke” at least you admit it most people would say they don’t sing in the store (they know they do tho) I enjoy this form immensely but your style with this made it Fun to read the last two lines had me go from grins to full smiles thanks for sharing this little piece of you with us!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much, Amanda. Glad I brought you some smiles. And there are all sorts of folks I know – including my husband – who sing along. Once they had “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by The Tokens playing, and we had a small crowd doing the “weem-a-ways” while I hit that high note!! Great fun. Our favorite date is the grocery store, or else backgammon at a local cafe. Peace, Amy
Charles Elliott
Manics must be a lot of fun to be around, until they crash. Hope you have found something approaching “even keel” happiness, if you find that to be the best choice. Thanks for the vulnerability of your sharing. May we all prove worthy of it!
Sharp Little Pencil
Charles, thanks for visiting, and what a wonderful comment, on many levels. First, when I was untreated, I was known as “a good time that was had by all,” and that frequently was the case! Not after I got married, though, of course. I wasn’t diagnosed until four years ago – when I turned 50 – and so I have enough experience with the juggling act to remember so many missteps, so many embarrassing moments, so many joyful encounters with people I probably would never have met… and all of it is fodder for my work. My calling is to destigmatize mental disorders; after all, they are simply a chemical imbalance. But folks speak of it in whispers, as in the days when we used to whisper “Cancer” because that carried a stigma as well, just like “AIDS.”
Bipolar disorder is all over my family – my DNA was dredged from the La Brea Tar Pits – but to make it accessible, even fun, is worth it. So many dialogues open up because I’m willing to slip on the banana peel! Thanks for coming by, and peace, Amy
ayala
Open and honest, a nice share.
Sharp Little Pencil
Welcome, Ayala, and thank you for the compliment. Sometimes I share more than people would wish, but… oh well! Amy
leah
Wow,Good read and awareness.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and for the compliment! Part of managing my manic depression and PTSD is being aware of how it was when I wasn’t taking care of myself. Some of the poems are a hoot! I’m coming over to check out your blog now. Peace, Amy
Rosemary Nissen-Wade aka SnakyPoet
Bravely posted! The verse certainly captured a mood of ebullience.
Sharp Little Pencil
Ebullience is the kindest word for Manic Me that I’ve ever heard! Actually, this is polite. Sometimes, in the bad old days before therapy and a decent Rx regimen, it would get a little… a LOT crazy. But thank God I stick to what works. Thank you for the comment about bravery, too. It’s part of my calling to try to erase the stigma of mental illness, so I feel I need to post these every so often. Peace, Rosemary, Amy
Heaven
Very nice form and words as well… Have yet to try this form (have tried nonet, haiku and ghazal)
like the word play specially the last lines ~
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much for stopping in. I am not one for forms, but this one seems accessible to me… I’ll check your blog now! Peace, Amy
Mike
A great read and a lovely etheree Amy.
I just love the opening three lines – ‘she is me is not me’ – it made me think of the number of times I’ve stood back and thought did I really do/say that?
As for traffic lights – I often don’t see them …… but that’s just because I’m getting old!
Sharp Little Pencil
Dear Mike, thanks for the kind words. Be careful of the traffic lights, man – we need you here!
As for “she is me/is not me,” yes, there are plenty of manic moments I wish I could take back. The trick is that now, I have a modicum of control, thanks to meds and therapy! Amy
Kavita
Well well well… Sanity is indeed overrated…isn’t it now, Amy?
Besides, it’s in our moments of insanity and free-spiritedness that we make the most important decisions, and which we savor the longest…
Having said that, I must say your poem, with its form and wordplay terrific balance to it – of fun and seriousness… and I really liked that about it..
Beautifully written, my wonderful friend… Stay happy.. and free…
xoxoxoxo
Sharp Little Pencil
Kavita, thank you, thank you. I know you understand a lot about me and my work, so this is indeed a compliment.
And I used a FORM!! Miracles happen, right? Peace be with you and yours, xoxoxoxo right back atcha! Amy
poemblaze
A wonderful write. The poem stands on its own regardless of the back story. Thanks for sharing both. Be well!
Sharp Little Pencil
That is a wonderful compliment, and I thank you for visiting. Coming to your blog now! Peace, Amy
Inside the Mind of Isadora
Amy,
First and formost, let me say “Thank you ” for stopping by my little blog and leaving a comment. ~~~~ : – )
Second – your blog is wonderful. I love the looking of it. It is so artistic and soft on the eyes. It is so enjoyable to come here and read you blogs because of it.
Third- I am always learning something when I come to your blog. I am not a poet. Heck, I’m not even a writer. I just like to express a lot of my grief, anguish, pain, sorrow, heartache, pleasure, joy and happiness in what I write. I had no idea what Etheree was. I went to Wikipedia and read all about it. I think it is a very interesting type of poetry. The poetry I’ve attempted has all been from pormpts that Victoria at http://live2write2day.wordpress.com has posted. My attempts have been simple and rudamentary. Learning about Ehteree being more than a pretty way to write your poem out was fascinating. Thank you for the learned lesson. Perhaps, one day, I will attempt it.
Fourth – your Etheree- “Me, Not Me” is extraordinary, noteworthy, outstanding and remarkable. Your words resonated in my eyes and my heart. I knew, immediately, what it was about. It is a heartache I live with everyday. I have three daughter who have Bi-Polar disease. They are all adults(44, 41 & 34) They have all had several hospitalizations, meds, therapy and my love all through their lives. They have been, off meds, on meds – out of therapy – in therapy. They never seem to get better. Unfortuantely, I am the victim of their rancor. I do not see them nor do I have a relationship with them because of their blame. I’m hopeful through your poem that one day the right combination of meds will be found for them. Thank you for showing me that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. You are so brave to show that this is truly a very real disease and should be taken seriously by people and not condemn those who do have it.
Blessings to You …
Namaste,
Isadora
Sharp Little Pencil
Isadora, thank you for all you wrote. First, I must disagree with you – you ARE a writer, a very effective one. I still have “Your touch” lingering in my heart. Your use of writing to chase out the ghosts also is an avenue for great beauty to unfold. You also have a knack for finding images that fit with your writing – something that’s a challenge I am trying to meet myself.
Victoria (live2write2day) has great prompts, and if you want to investigate more, there are a plethora of links on my home page, “Prompt Blogroll.” Each one has a day of the week; each has a different emphasis, and it’s not all poetry. Many folks respond with prose. As for as forms go, you caught me on the rare day when I actually USED a form, because most of mine is free-verse or “prose poetry.”
About your kids – mine is only 22 and she’s still sorting things out. I understand the blame game… but remember, it’s only 50% YOUR DNA, the rest came from their father. Bipolar does run in families, but if Riley turns out to have bipolar, too, I will not take any blame. You know, Isadora, life hands us a hand to play. Sometimes it’s four aces or a royal flush… but that can truly be its own curse. I believe there is a reason I am bipolar…. I dared to go a lot of places my friends would never have dreamed visiting, let alone setting up shop. I’ve been an anti-war and pro-civil rights activist since 16. I don’t keep my mouth shut when I see injustice – nor do I just bitch on Facebook and forget about it. I take action, by phone or email. I also dance in the rain, even though my manic depression is “under control,” and sometimes strangers dance with me. Believe me, the whole world is craving a dance in the rain… they just need permission.
Bipolar is simply a chemical imbalance, like diabetes. People are scared of it because it involves the brain, sometimes making very crude remarks about my illness. They can bite me! ha ha, there’s your whackadoodle moment for the day! My prayer is that your relationship with your kids can be healed eventually. Their therapists, and I hope they have them (bipolar with only meds, there’s no point. You have to find your triggers), should get them to a healtheir place with themselves and you. It’s the on/off nature of the meds that creates even more imbalance. I’ll say a prayer for you tonight, hon! Namaste, Amy
akweelife
🙂 Oh my Friend. I cannot tell you how many times I have walked out in front of cars.
Much love, Dear One.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank God we are both safe! Love, Amy