WARNING: NOT for the squeamish. (So if you read it, you have only yourself to thank or blame.)
For those who don’t know me well enough yet, this happened to me when I was a kid. Feel free to comment, ask questions, or engage me through email if you prefer to speak privately (ask and ye shall receive my address). I’m open about this (and my mental disorders) because I want survivors to shed their unearned shame and get the help they need to sweep the monster from under the bed and LIVE their lives not as victims, but as true survivors. Peace, Amy
Too Close, No Comfort
She feels the proximity of the monster
Hears his footsteps
Smells his acrid third-martini breath
She should call out, scream
But it’s useless, no one comes to
help the child until afterwards
It’s over. She wet the bed again
but he never noticed, too busy with
her small, slack-jawed mouth
Will she ever tell the secret everyone knows,
or will she block it all out to preserve
what little sense of self remains?
Little girls have a capacity, as do little boys
to save retribution for adulthood,
when they are able to handle the history
Tears witnessed by a therapist,
perhaps meds to ease the trauma as it is relived
again and again, until the haunting stops
My dad never did the perp walk
Mom never admitted she knew
but my sweet revenge was forgiveness:
After all, he was the sick one.
© 2011 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
For Three Word Wednesday: Immobile, Proximity, Retribution
Sharp Little Pencil 
Debbie
I know you warned us . . .crying anyway. Thank you, Amy, for your ministry here.
Sharp Little Pencil
Debbie, some folks questioned why I put on the proviso, but in truth, there are many sensitive poets such as yourself who visit often, and I felt it was my responsibility to warn you. That way, even if you chose to read on, you knew it was gonna be a rough ride.
Bless you for your courage and your identification with my calling. Peace, Amy
Old Egg
I suppose the best thing is that you are able to talk about it. I do hope that you are now able to enjoy true love and tenderness and to be able to trust others, without thinking the worst in every face you see. He may have been the sick one, but you were the one that was hurt. I will never be able to look at the picture on your blog again without sharing your pain.
Sharp Little Pencil
Robin, you are a very dear person to write this. The good news is that, through intense and long-time therapy, I have been able to truly forgive my father, as well as my mom, who did know all along. I love them both and honor them as my parents… and yes, he was a sick man – most likely vicitimized himself at military school, where he was a kind of “little fish,” easy prey for the bullies. So that got buried until we came along. As for Mom, she said if she had left, he’d have gotten custody because of her alcoholism… and that would have been even worse for me.
Thank you for your kind and caring spirit. I write of these subjects to let others know they are NEVER alone and that there IS life past whatever traumas one may have faced as a child. Peace, Amy
Tino
This is kind of weird. I wrote a piece a few weeks back when offered the prompt of taboo subjects. One of them always appears to be child abuse in different forms. Yet most people turn away at the issue and I don’t have a clue why.
For the Love of Daddy is all about abuse as the title might suggest and it was built around the experiences of someone I knew.
I have psychological problems since becoming disabled a few years ago. I am not ashamed to admit it or talk about it. I don’t hide from it and pretend it doesn’t exist. I had a decent head doc who helped me out when I needed it most. I am glad I saw the signs of a breakdown heading my way and got the help when I did. Without that help, I doubt I would be writing this now.
And yes, he was the sich f**K. I would happily castrate them with a rusty razorblade and watch as they died of tetanus, thats all they deserve!
I think having a young grandaughter, I feel strongly about this. If anyone ever hurts her, they are on borrowed time!
Thanks for sharing this. You are not alone, neither of us are, yet sometimes it feels that way. If you ever need a shoulder, I am around the the net most days and will provide messenger details if you want.
Sharp Little Pencil
Dear Tino,
You’ll never need to be violent. It will only come back on you, and there are better ways of holding them to account… child molesters and abusers have most likely been abused themselves, only they buried it so deeply and had no access to the care we have available now. See my comment to Robin (Old Egg) about the circumstances I believe my father experienced.
Being an advocate for protecting children; being upfront and personal about your own mental disorders and getting help when it’s needed; helping others identify what they think is anemia and might just be depression, suggesting a therapist for them; and most of all, keeping a good eye on your precious granddaughter. These are constructive approaches. For example, if someone heard that rat Sandusky abusing kids, why didn’t they walk in, take a picture on their phone, and pull Sandusky off the boy?
Families often have this “dirty little secret,” whether it’s an uncle or sometimes an aunt, a close family friend… an unchecked teacher, or even their favorite pastor or priest who takes a special interest in one of their children. I appreciate your openness. You are a brother in the cause. But please don’t take the law into your own hands, Tino! I would rather see THEM tried in court than you. Peace, Amy
Penny
I found this so poignant and so powerful. Your words really touched me. Thanks for sharing your painful experience in this way. penny x
Sharp Little Pencil
Penny, thank you. It’s a long road from experiencing it to burying it to dredging it up to dragging it (like a fetid slopbucket) to the therapist’s office to… well, you get the idea. I guess I got something out of it, which is letting others know they can speak out, because some folks have read my blog and later we’ve emailed or gone out for coffee, and the conversation begins. They know they are talking to a veteran. Peace, Amy
Altonian
A dreadful tale, requiring a truly Blessed Spirit to allow forgiveness.
Sharp Little Pencil
Amen, brother. Thank you for understanding. And yes, I have to give great thanks to God for being with me, every step of the way. The therapy is the clinical component, but my faith has helped me so much. Peace, Amy
C.L. Sostarich
Thanks for writing this, it’s keeping quiet about this subject that causes the most harm.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks for coming by, C.L. And yes, it’s the coverup, especially when parents know what’s going on, that is the worst for the child.
I’m also manic depressive and have PTSD, and I have been an outspoken LGBTQ ally since my early 20s, watching the AIDS crisis grow like a tsunami and later several lesbian friends coming out as well… I write about thres frequently as well. The fewer stigmas in the world, the better. Peace! Amy
Kim Nelson
Simple. Direct. Honest. This does the prompt and the facts justice.
Sharp Little Pencil
I respect you so much, Kim, and appreciate this feedback. Indeed, the hardest part was fulfilling a prompt based on the subject matter. Peace, Amy
Old Raven
You are extraordinary. Not because you wrote this, no. But because you understand the value of forgiveness and you have employed it. And, because you want to reach another who has endured the same agony. You have have given a gift to someone out there and that is wonderful.
Sharp Little Pencil
Raven, we haven’t known each other long, but you truly understand the essence of my poetry. It’s irrevocably enmeshed with my personal life and activism. If even ONE person sees this and says they are not alone and seeks help, I’ve done my job. Also, if anyone suspects a “Sandusky” scenario of abuse and follows up on it, may God bless them. Thanks so much, and peace, Amy
Lindy Lee
I click the “Like” button for lack of a more appropriate assessment. They tell us to forgive and forget but I am glad you have not forgotten.
Poetic Licensee’s “Judge Not…”, as much about forgiving as judging…
http://poeticlicensee.wordpress.com/
Sharp Little Pencil
Great point, Lindy, and you know, even though I wasn’t aware of what had happened (memory block, common), I never did leave my Riley alone with her grandfather, even when we lived with them for a time… Thanks for the second link, and yes, did make it easier to find. Peace, Amy
Lindy Lee
Sorry, this might make Judge Not easier to find:
http://poeticlicensee.wordpress.com/2011/08/27/judge-not/
wayne
well done Amy….thanks for sharing your words
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much, Wayne. Peace, Amy
Richard Cody
Forgiveness is the bravest and best thing any of us can do.
Sharp Little Pencil
Takes a lot of worth, but it’s worth it to get the tar off the lining of one’s soul. Thanks, Richard, and peace, Amy
Mary A Writes
I am pleased to see that you are now able to realize that he was the sick one.
Peace to you Amy
Sharp Little Pencil
Mary, it took years of therapy, prayer, and just plain hardheadedness to get over and through it, but yes, and I have forgiven him. Hard to believe, but it’s true. Peace, and thanks for stopping by, Amy
georgefloreswrite
I wanted to not read it, Amy. Then I scrolled down to the comments to tell you and saw the last two lines and knew I’d made a mistake in not reading it. You turned muddy water into fresh!
Sharp Little Pencil
There is always room for new, living waters in the stream of life. God, that sounds like a fortune cookie, but I swear it’s true! Thanks, George, and peace to you, Amy
Sheilagh Lee
I am so sorry that this happened to you,and yes he was the sick one.
Sharp Little Pencil
Sheilagh, thanks, my sister… and you’re right. He must have been abused himself at some point… but he’s the only father I have, and in two hours, it’s the 101st anniversary of his birth. I’ll pray for his soul in church tomorrow. Love, Amy
kaykuala
Amy,
This is heavy1 Tough! Young girls are at risk more than boys. If such things happen the trauma lingers on till adulthood. Often the victim grappled with the issues alone – ashamed,confused,guilt. Quite a handful never recovered. A pity!
Hank
Sharp Little Pencil
Hank, believe it or not, prepubescent boys are also often targets. While in many cultures, there was a misguided notion that “Dad should have the first crack,” if the child is not sexually viable (developed, able to reproduce), they are prey no matter the gender. Also, there is a rumor to dispel here: Men who molest little boys almost always STRAIGHT – something like 93% of documented cases, and usually it’s a family member, a close friend, or a Sandusky-type slimeball.
Thanks so much for your empathy, Hank. The trauma lingers as PTSD – but the longer the time before it’s addressed, the harder it is to get to, and the more the victim tends to self-medicate and engage in other self-destructive behaviors… Peace (if you can find it after those stats!), Amy
brian
damn…sorry that this happened to you…i work with kids that have been abused so i am confronted with it often…i always have to choke back my desire to inflict bodily harm on the perp….
Sharp Little Pencil
Brian, I’m glad you show restraint, because you know… it would just come back on that kids or the spouse. Sure, it’s a horrible thing to have happen, but the difference between being a victim and a survivor is LOTS of therapy. I applaud your work with children, and frankly, knowing your poetry as I do, I’m not surprised that’s your calling. You are one sensitive brother, and I appreciate that. Peace, Amy
twinklysparkles
I think you are brave and that the ending of the poem is a powerful example for me. I just clicked through to this post from Sherry Sky Blue Sky’s sidebar.
I even think you don’t have to preface this with a warning to the squeamish. Because it is the truth and because it was something done to you, there is nothing that a reader need feel squeamish about. Just my opinion in defense of your own statement about not feeling shame about any of it.
Thanks for your heart and bravery and the way you put the words together to tell it. It is a well-written piece aside from the subject matter (if that makes sense. What I mean is that just because something is weighty or true, it isn’t automatically a good poem, but to me, this is).
I love the line “you never did the perp walk.” Most of them don’t. You nailed it.
Thanks….
Sharp Little Pencil
Dear Twinkly (great blog name!), I am so glad you took a chance on my blog from Sherry’s sidebar. Isn’t her poetry amazing? When I want a free walk through nature without leaving my apt., I invariably find something on her space.
I understand your point about the preface – but some of my readers are rather sensitive on this subject, so I do try to get them prepared. It’s not an apology to anyone, just a warning. Thanks for your making that point, because it allows me to explain to anyone who reads this blog why I do what I do. It’s the only subject I “warn” about. Politics, social justice, my dealing with manic depression and PTSD, my past on the road and in clubs playing jazz and singing and writing songs… man, it’s a lot of subjects!
Thanks also for your compliment about it being challenging but also well-written. So appreciated. Now off to take a look at your blog! Peace, Amy
seingraham
It never fails to amaze me how courageous you are with your poetry. I know how much work you’ve done to heal but still, this is great work, really.
Sharp Little Pencil
Sharon, I really thank you. It’s hard to lay oneself out there, psychically bare… but the truth is, this “one” needs to do it, if only to help others realize that if s/he has been through the shame and unearned guilt… that s/he knows there are others out there who have been through it and survived. I refuse to be a victim, and forgiveness was the only way – after a lot of screaming, crying, and bitching in my therapists’ offices (three in three different cities; all unique, all in touch with me at the appropriate phase. I am blessed.) Peace, Amy
claudia
i think forgiveness is the most powerful weapon ever.. probably the hardest as well but yes..he was the sick one.. have tears in my eyes amy..
Sharp Little Pencil
Claudia, you really connected. Sorry I made you cry; but then again, it shows you truly understand the depth of the well, no matter the cause of the sorrow. And yes, forgiveness can be used as a weapon. Certainly more effective than drones and IEDs. Peace, Amy
Renee
Childhood can be anything but a childhood for some children and children that live through it are anything but faint of heart. That you share is a good thing and well received by many. Thank You!
Sharp Little Pencil
It’s so true, and it’s important that we talk about these matters openly, to remove the stigma and help victims become SURVIVORS. Peace, Amy
deborah - westlander poetry
Amy … beautifully and authentically written. A true connection with your audience happens when you give us such true words.
Peace & love,
deborah
Sharp Little Pencil
Deborah, thank you so much for visiting and for your kind words. Peace, Amy
tmhHoover
Belated … thoughts. I wonder how to find forgiveness for much simpler offenses. Blessings- I hope your move went well.
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, now, there’s a real challenge. Forgiving the everyday slights… takes a heart that listens, I think. Thanks, and peace, Amy
Steve E
Amy, I feel as if I had just now read MILE 191’s 2008 blog post. Life-sustaining air just got sucked out of me again.
And I think of the thousands (millions?) the world over, who cannot climb out from under that bed, or from inside the closet of darkness.
THANK GOD you are who you have become! Praise Him for your gifts of communication, and removal of the fears of “coming out”!
MANY BLESSINGS!