monday’s forecast
thick, ornery clouds gather
on my mental horizon
chasing my fanciful birds into trees
sending all manner of wild wildlife
into hiding, seeking sanctuary
even the chipmunk on the edge plays
“duck and cover” under the back stoop
it’s coming, the lack of light
of life as I like it
a tunnel, an abyss where
bliss is forbidden
and bright eyes dim to
an absent stare
a slackened jaw, a slacker me
i turn to my bible hoping for answers
“even though i walk in the
valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no… no…”
no words for this condition
no balm in this gilead
no spirit to comfort me
© 2012 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
For Sunday Scribblings, the prompt was “Storm.” This poem started out as a real, physical storm and ended up, as with many of my offerings, with the onset of a bout of depression. Not so much a storm as a sea change, I suppose, but the warning clouds feel the same – and once the faucets open, it might as well be raining. Buckets.
Sharp Little Pencil 
Polly Robinson
Warning clouds and open faucets – I hope the depression lifts soon
Sharp Little Pencil
Comes and goes, as well as the manic side! Umbrellas and tissues always at the ready, and doctor and therapist to help, too. I’m lucky. Thanks Polly! Amy
oldegg
The storm in one’s mind is far worse than any mother nature can throw at you when all those comfortable sights and words are just out of reach. Bliss is certainly freedom from worry and being able to share your concerns with someone you trust is the only answer. What a great analogy you have written here.
Sharp Little Pencil
Robin, thank you so much for these words. The analogy was the first thing that came to mind when I thought about the Storm prompt. It’s true – when the clouds roll in, very hard to remember that behind them comes the warmth of the sun… but thank God I live in a time when the stigma is lifting and help is available. Peace, Amy
vivinfrance
Your internet friends can be your balm in Gilead, if you let us. There can’t be too much wrong while you can write beautiful poems like this one!
Sharp Little Pencil
Viv, yes, friends are very supportive, but when it’s a chemical condition like I have, it’s hard to rise to the occasion. I’ve learned to ride this cycle like any other and to give myself the occasional day to simply give in, call my therapist, and cry. I was born with those bootstraps we’re supposed to use to pull ourselves up with! Thanks for being one of the closest friends here on the blog, Viv. A
Debbie
Like the poem, Amy, but not the condition for you. 😦 Praying with you.
Sharp Little Pencil
Debbie, I’m grateful God hasn’t given me more than I can handle. I’m fortunate to have health coverage and a wonderful therapist and psychiatrist. Also tons of family support, including our new housemate, Monica. Being manic depressive helps me understand others on the ‘fringes’ more. We are the ‘other’ Jesus spoke of, along with many other groups.
kaykuala
A storm on the horizon can be depressing, Amy! A storm gathering within oneself is far worst as it gets one off tangent. Glad that one can find solace in spiritual pursuits. Great write!
Hank
Sharp Little Pencil
Hank, “off tangent” is probably the best description I’ve heard in a long time. Leave it to you! Thanks for your understanding and friendship. Peace, Amy
Misky
Awwww, Amy. I’m sending you love and hugs. xx
Sharp Little Pencil
Wow, I’m really getting so much love here. The depressions lift and then come back. It’s the ebb and flow of my soul and my chemistry, so not to worry. Thanks, hon. Amy
Jae Rose
That feeling of drowning inside..you can explain it to the ‘health’ world over and over but it just doesn’t..convey..explain..describe..unless you’ve been stuck inside your own head catching thunder storms in a fishing net it remains yours alone to bear..and yet I hope part of reading/writing/exchanging words is understanding..yours are to me..Jae
Sharp Little Pencil
Jae, one thing I truly value on this blog is our connection and mutual understanding. Sometimes your verses make me want to, I don’t know, call you or something, make sure you’re OK, because your writing is SO magnificently broken and expressionist. I’m more of a grounded, storytelling poet, and yet we share so much in common. You are indeed special to me, too. Peace, Amy
Steve E
Amy! Please do not misunderstand–BUT!–sometimes it is not ‘reading’ which will heal…it is DOING something. Calling or visiting an ‘old’ Peep, or one–any age–who might be lonely (even if is you the lonely one, in this moment.
Life is not a “ME” program. It is a “WE” program. OK? (I realize you knew all that, but…well…YOU know! Sometimes a guy gotta say what a guy gotta say–grin!
–DOCTOR Steve E
My credentials:
I played violin in a medical school cafeteria once!
PEACE!
Sharp Little Pencil
Steve, I get what you’re trying to say to me. And sometimes I am lucky enough to have the wherewithal to get out the door, go down to State Street, buy coffee for someone down on their luck, and we chat. It IS a “we” thing, but when you’re manic depressive like I am, some days, well, that door gets too far away to reach and it’s best to be alone and ride out the worst. Hope this makes sense, and thanks for caring! Peace, Amy
Pamela Smyk Cleary
Love this, Amy! It’s so visual — from the clouds to the “fanciful birds” to the chipmunk playing “duck and cover”. Hoping your day brightened up. Strangely, your poem feels like the yin to my yang: (similar setting & players, from a different perspective). http://wanponpopix.blogspot.com/2012/05/caroling-daybreak.html Hope you enjoy it. :-))
Sharp Little Pencil
Usually I am not depressed when actually writing the poetry – although sometimes writing in the throes of it is excellent therapy. But depression can seize me on any given day, do I have learned to build a toolbox – not just of meds, but of coping mechanisms. And sometimes I just stay in, because if I’m crying a lot it’s sort of embarrassing to be out in public… I will check your “other piece of the yin/yang puzzle””! Thanks for leaving that URL, I love that you do that! Amy
Renee Espriu
Weather, external or internal, can cause so many feelings…ones we would never think to have until the clouds settle in. Nicely written, my friend.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, Renee. The external weather holds surprising sway over my mood (thanks for the seasonal affective disorder, Mom, ha ha). But there’s always a sun waiting over the horizon. That’s what years of therapy have taught me, and I thank God for Mary and for Dr. Frey, who help me so much. Peace, Amy
Renee Espriu
Good you have someone to talk to. Last year now I began speaking to a Spiritual Advisor and it is working out well. My dad keeps telling me to get a sun lamp. LOL Sage advise, I’m sure. 🙂
Lindy Lee
Blue Monday shall turn to bright & sunny; ups & downs are inevitable;
nice moody rendition, along with picture of “ornery clouds on mental horizon”…
Sharp Little Pencil
LIndy, the hardest part was to find an adjective for the cloud that was not a cliche. It really took a while to come up with “ornery,” so I’m glad you picked that out!! Peace, Amy
Inside the Mind of Isadora
I love the way you interweave the daily with the feelings. You are so masterful in your expression with words.
Terrific, Amer …
Hugggies as you night, night rest …
Blessings,
Izzy xoxoxo
Sharp Little Pencil
Izzy, your comment made me feel so good about my writing! Hugs back atcha and many moments of unexpected joy, too! Love, Amer
tigerbrite
Yes, I was with you through this and understood before I read the explanation on the bottom. I felt one of these coming on this morning and recited the following three times. It always helps.
“Beloved I am presence bright
round me seal your tube of light
from ascended master flame
called forth now in God’s own name
let it keep my temple free
from all dischord sent to me.
I am calling forth violet fire
to blaze and transmute all desire
keeping on in freedom’s name
til I am one with the violet flame.”
Sharp Little Pencil
Tiger, thanks so much for these words. I will cut and paste onto a document and pin it to the bathroom mirror. Although I have to say, I could pray til my knees were raw and the chemistry will still have its way with me. Wish I was able to do “mind over matter,” but I’m afraid the bipolar is too ingrained. I will try it, though, and let you know what happens! Thanks for the useful info, babe. Amy
lizziecracked
wow..excellent expression..I knew exactly what you were talking about … I had a moment where I had to go back and think about how I got here..cause I couldnt remember if .. just got lost in the thought for a moment… .. it’s coming the lack of light… I totally understand that. beautiful and hope you are doing ok 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
Lizzie, you’re a sister in the struggle, I can tell. Only someone who has felt deep depression can truly feel words about it. Someone once told me to “pull myself up by my bootstraps,” and I replied, “I was born without them.” I’m fine and hope you are the same, my dear. Peace, Amy
Tracy Crenshaw
Oh, I can relate to this poem. The dark clouds of depression ebb and flow, and create such a mental storm. I felt such a connection to this poem. It was so beautifully written.
Sharp Little Pencil
Tracy, thank you. In a way, I’m sorry you can relate so closely to this, because I would not wish depression on anyone, especially someone as nice as you. Peace, Amy
zongrik
it’s amazing how afraid people are of storms. when i was in camp, at 15, this one girl was so scared of storms and wanted to be near me whenever there was as storm cause they never bothered me, and i just never got how anyone could be so scared.
the river
Sharp Little Pencil
The storm in the poem is of the mental/depression variety, but any “depression” can scare. Storms come with a dip in air pressure, so it’s apt that you saw it that way. I LOOOOOVE storms, thunderboomers or showers, especially the ozone scent on the air before it breaks, and that wormy, earthy smell afterwards. (Weird, I know!) But your friend probably also balked at other loud noises as well. My motto is, as long as the lightning misses barns and bones, I’m there. Thanks, Tammy! Peace, Amy