Sorry I didn’t post for two days, but here’s a slice of life from a teenage girl’s point of view.
UGLY.
Mirrors are cruel.
They never say she’s
the fairest one, yet she
dares another look.
She doesn’t see
herself, she only sees:
Ugly.
Horrible acne, festering, hideous.
A lump is in her throat as she
steps back for the full-length view.
Flat chest, not the
jiggling fullness boys like.
Hips SO not there.
And her hair, a disaster
of biblical proportions;
not really blonde,
not exactly brown,
more like puddles after
a long, soaking rain…
or the worms that come out to
get squished on the sidewalk.
And the scars on her wrists,
constant reminders that she
tried to rid the world of
this pustule of a person.
Rubbing lavender lotion on her
warm belly (at least I’ll smell good,
not that they’ll get very close),
then, donning the final insult:
the glasses.
(Bifocals at 16. I mean, really?)
She sneaks downstairs for breakfast
before catching the bus to school.
Her mom, who is of course GORgeous
and dressed the same, pours juice.
See her hands, perfectly manicured,
her flawless skin, and long,
auburn hair pulled back carelessly
in a scrunchy. Effortless.
She measures herself against
the impossible, easy beauty of her mother.
(I’ll never be that pretty, never.)
Mom turns and says,
“Paul, remember your biology test today.
Oh, look, you’re wearing the shirt
I got you at the mall!” A kiss on the forehead.
“My handsome boy. Don’t break any hearts today!”
Don’t worry. She won’t, not while
that worrisome bulge is in her jeans.
The thing that doesn’t belong on a real girl.
Gym today… she shudders,
takes a bite of a muffin,
feels the Adam’s Apple
bounce with the swallow.
Ugly.
© 2012 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
For Sunday Scribblings, the prompt was “Costume,” (and, indeed, that’s what this teenager wears every day) and ABC Wednesday is on “U.” Also posting to dverse Open Mic Night, where a collection of more than 100 poets usually post their favorite poems of the week. All descriptions, all diverse subject matter, all manner of poets. Look for Aaron Kent, if he has posted a spoken word, too!
NOTE: Life is more than difficult for transgender teens; it’s often impossible. Too many kids commit suicide, caught in the confusion of their gender identity and an undefinable shame about how they are built vs. who they know they are. As with other teens with gender identity confusion, they are constantly on guard, worried their secret will come out. This “young man” yearns to go the the prom in a dress with cleavage. Who can blame her? She is, in her heart, a girl who happened to be delivered into the wrong body. Pray for our kids. High school sucks for straight kids – imagine yourself in this kid’s shoes. Peace, Amy
Sharp Little Pencil 
vivinfrance
I can’t begin to understand how this must feel. Confused describes how I felt as I read the poem, which I suppose describes your teenager exactly.
Sharp Little Pencil
Although this isn’t my kid, she is somebody’s. Trying to shed light on the pain of being transgender in a world that’s not ready to understand… A
Polly Robinson
I have ‘liked’ this post, Amy, though I’m not sure ‘like’ is appropriate at all in this case. I’m coming back to read and comment on it when I’ve read it properly.
Sharp Little Pencil
I know. We need another button, like “I dig where this is coming from.”
brebry
I can’t begin to imagine the situation but I think you describe it well, and you retain an air of mystery right to the end. I felt disorientated as I’m sure the sufferers do. What a ‘costume’ to have to wear!
Sharp Little Pencil
These kids and adults do suffer… but consider this. Chastity Bono lived with her lesbian lover for years. Now that transgender Chaz is legally a man, he could go to any old judge and marry her without a problem. Hmmmm… we need to understand that all folks are people, not labels, right? Amy
Polly Robinson
What a terrific job you’ve done here, Amy. You build it so well, we are in the realm of biological girl. Each thought could be that of an adolescent girl, many of us identify with such thoughts – then you pique curiousity with ‘Paul’ [short for Pauline, I wondered, still in the realm of biological girl] then BAM, you get us with ‘handsome boy’ and the ‘worrisome bulge’ – genius!
Life is difficult for many teens anyway, for a transgender teen it must be even more confusing / distressing.
Sharp Little Pencil
SO difficult. That’s why I wanted to shed some light on this subject, which is so complicated, especially for those who go through it. The past-popular “gender reassignment” – when a boy baby had a “too small” penis and doctors, without parental consent, would simply operate and “create” a girl out of the parts… what would Hippocrates think of that harm? Thanks, Polly, for giving this so much consideration. You are a true thinker. Peace, Amy
Jae Rose
The end verses really turned my perception of what I was reading..very smart..as this must be what she suffers every minute..i only hope that after school..she can be who she wants..as we all can perhaps..jae
Sharp Little Pencil
Most of us are quite free to be who we want, if we have the courage to speak our own minds, express ourselves… but as hard as it is for gay teens to “come out,” it’s so much harder for transgender folks. There’s even misunderstanding in the LGBTQ community about… why. But I have T. friends who have made it abundantly clear to me, it’s what they need. Thanks, Jae, Amy
Old Egg
It is difficult enough being a teenager but with the added stress of coping with gender difficulties as well is nigh on impossible. You have illustrated this no-man’s land so well, one that is littered with land mines and invective that will leave them so alone.
Sharp Little Pencil
Robin, bless you. An understanding heart. I know a few transgender folks, from both sides of the gender divide, who are comfortable with themselves, even as they have to look past the stares of the ignorant. I’m hoping the world will catch up with the idea of love is love is love… Thanks! Amy
gs batty
wow…that is deep and awesome…to often it is easy to point a finger or turn a head and never realize the agony another soul has to endure…life is getting a wee bit easier for for the adult world but the teen world…I don’t think so…the poem is awesome…it is not afraid…
Sharp Little Pencil
I wrote this from the teen perspective, and yet there are many people out in the world who need this transformation badly and are too scared to do it in a later stage of life. I pray they find the support and courage to be who they want to be in this cold world… thanks, Amy
Lance
amazing
I have a 16-year-old girl. I hear these angsty displays coming from her room every day. I think she’s drop dead gorgeous and a ray of sunshine in my life. I just keep telling her that. She’ll listen when she’s older, I hope.
I took two days off from posting too. Came back witha fury today. feels good to unwind sometimes, right? loved this
Sharp Little Pencil
My Riley is now 24, but she went through the first few stages of this poem. The ending is different, though. She’s “gender queer,” she loves women but likes to dress in androgynous fashion. I told her with all the LGBTQ and A (allies), we ought to start calling people “people.” She agrees but says most older adults aren’t as “ready” as I am to embrace all people as equals.
Roger Green
Been thinking a lot about this whole notion of attractiveness. I was reading Dan Savage’ sex column from a few weeks ago in our local weekly and there was a straight young woman in her mid-20s who was DESPERATE to lose her virginity. She made some disparaging remarks about her own appearance, and her persona (obviously shy) Rather sad.
ROG, ABC Wednesday team
Sharp Little Pencil
I held on until 19 and lost it to a priest, so I’m no expert!! But how sad is that? She wants to lose it… I waited for “true love” (in a collar, no less, and how sad is THAT?!). Too bad she obviously has no mentoring in matters of the heart, much less the nether regions… Thanks, Roger. Amy
zongrik
reminds me of this song seventeen 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
Tammy, I still have the VINYL of Janis Ian’s album. That song, the first time I saw her sing in on one of those old talk shows where they actually brought on talented acoustic players and then the host would engage them in meaningful discussion, made me so aware of the possibility of music touching the very heart of a total stranger. She seemed so self-possessed, yet such a kid, and she didn’t get to come “out of the closet” for years… thereby sinking her career. So it goes in Hollywood and Vine… Amy
El Guapo
Ok, didn’t see that coming at all.
Strong, very well done!
Sharp Little Pencil
If you didn’t see it coming, imagine what Mom and Dad’s reaction will be… hopefully, compassionate… A.
RJ Clarken
Wow. Amy – I didn’t see that ending coming! Really. But man…what a powerful piece, with that amazing volta (Mom turns and says,/“Paul, remember your biology test today…”
I think it’s an important poem because it deals with a narrative that must see the light of day, so that awareness spreads and acceptance becomes the norm. I know they say that kids don’t know who they are when they are kids, but I disagree. I think many do – and sadly, during a time when insecurity reigns supreme.
You go girl. Your voice/these words need to be heard.
Sharp Little Pencil
Randi, bless you! This actually began as a “teen girl self-loathing poem,” but the other “side” of her didn’t emerge until I realized that what we see in the mirror is miles from the truth. This goes for all ages, genders, etc.
I’ve spread this one as far and wide as I can because I do feel we need to be grounded when considering what is best for our children. No one “chooses” to be gay, lesbian, transgender, etc. The CHOICE is in telling the truth despite risking rejection from your own family, and to me, that is a sin on the family’s part. They write their kids off like a puppy that just peed on the rug, and it stinks.
Riley says adults like us will be the ones who are “large and in charge” when the homophobia finally lifts. Hope she’s right. Love, Amy
aufzuleiden
That was a really touching poem, Amy – and you had a brilliant use of substitution that twisted the ending in a way that I’m quite sure nobody saw coming – having the child’s internal voice show such jealous admiration for the beauty of the mother made the feminine voice sound so genuine, I was really shocked to discover that it was a feminine voice trapped in a male’s body – something just as genuine, and even more tragic than the initial impression could even begin to represent. The truth of the matter is that what your poem begins to portray as dramatic, as something that could be seen as a rant against the fashion industry and the way it terrorizes young women into having unreasonable expectations about their bodies based on the emaciated photos of professionally starved “models” in magazines, turns into something even more dramatic when it becomes something that transcends the vapid culture of fashion and suddenly transforms into something that has to do with an individual’s very identity – something that goes to the core of one’s existence; that’s far deeper than the pictures in some glossy magazine or the clothes hanging on a rack in some gaudy shop somewhere – it is life itself, a struggle that we all contend with, one way or another, though precious few of us have to go through something as intense as a battle for our very sexual identity.
You have done a very fine job in representing the torment and torture that someone going through this must feel and it really shows where your heart is … and that’s a very good place to be.
God Bless, and thank you for sending me the link to your poem –
-p
Sharp Little Pencil
Peter, you mined the best of all of it – from touching to challenging to downright tortured. The idea of the transgender life is less acceptable in our society than gay and lesbian…. but for all the doctors who blithely performed “gender assignment” on, say, male babies with button penises, well, that was one way they stirred the pot themselves. Also, transgender (as well as cross-dressing) is quite accepted in Tahiti and other South Pacific countries, not to mention Japan and parts of South America… it’s only in the “civilized land of liberty” that people are so short-changed on the chance for a real life. Bless you. Amy
seingraham
Whoa – as always Amy – riding into the fray, fearless and ready to do battle for those who need you to – in my view, there is no worse joke played on the psyche than to be born trapped inside the wrong body.Your poem captures the angst and agony of teenager-hood multiplied by the horror of having to hide the true nature of self … and I agree with you, in most cases I think these kids know from very young that they are not what they outwardly appear to be. How confusing and then terrifying a notion that must be especially as there’s usually no-one to even broach the subject with …
On a bit of an encouraging note, our new provincial Premier, Allison Redford – just reinstated health coverage for transgendered reassignment operation costs (the last one had taken them away deeming the operations “elective” or “cosmetic” !?!) plus, bless her heart, for the first time ever, she, as Premier, rode in the Pride parade this past weekend which meant the opposition party leaders pretty much had to follow suit … hallelujah!
Sharp Little Pencil
Holy crap! This is great news. Are you in Canada? (Sorry, hard to keep up with all my continents here. I guess that makes me incontinent, ha ha) The PM in the Pride parade… I await the day when we don’t NEED Pride parades, it’ll be just another day in June commemorated as the Stonewall Riots.
Thanks for your heart full of understanding for these kids. I knew you’d get this one, Sharon. Bless you! Amy
k~
What a great write Amy. This is all and so much more of what is fed, first from people around them, and then from themselves, as a comparison of what they “should” look like, act like, be like… GADS. Just a really good write. Someone close to me has/is dealing with this type of transition, in reverse… spot on.
Sharp Little Pencil
K, I understand. I, myself, didn’t have much information regarding transgender folks until one of my girlfriends sat me down and invited me to a conference. They had a woman there who had been born a man, served with distinction in the military, and had rebuttals for every single Bible verse. It was so interesting. Also, the Chaz Bono documentary was very informative… Like you say, people are people, and why do we need these judgments? Answer: Because some people are hostile to anyone not just like themselves. (I say, look at the log in your own eye before informing others of the cinder in theirs, right?) Thanks, hon. Amy
roswellgray
That’s just heartbreaking. Amazing.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you for a touching comment. Amy
semaphore1
This is an important topic, and you’ve gotten to the heart of it. You should look up some of Ellen Hopkins’ works. She is a talented poet (as well as being a #1 NY Times Bestselling author) and treats similar subjects in book-length verse poems.
Sharp Little Pencil
Sam, gotta catch THAT ride, for sure. THanks for hipping me to her. I’ll check it out. Most of my huge poems are political or LGBTQ in subject… so I’m sure I’ll love her material, especially since you know my taste so well. Peace, friend. Amy
Mel Cole
so real, i don’t like to see my face when I have the bumpy and itchy pimples. i’m close to your age, still early adolescent that is… 🙂 hope you can visit my ABC Wednesday here.
Sharp Little Pencil
Mel, I am flattered you thought some of this was my voice… but I’m 55 and my daughter Riley, who’s 24, well, we both went through that same self-critique. But the ending is neither of us… will come check out your blog! Thanks for stopping, and peace, Amy
AudreyHowitt
This was a great write –heart wrenching–but so very true for many- just a really clear picture of feelings–loved it.
Sharp Little Pencil
Audrey, I appreciate your comment. Pain is relative – the deepest pain of one person may feel like a mosquito bite to the next. Transgender folks not only second-guess themselves for years, they also are tormented by ignorant people. Peace, Amy
Daydreamertoo
You know being gay myself, I have never ever enjoyed myself or, seeing others harassed over their sexuality. I’ve always said, who in their right mind chooses to be gay, to go through the hostility, the persecution, the stigma and the bullying of people in all walks of life, who would choose that, if they had a choice in it? We don’t ask to be gay anymore than creatures or plants ask to be, and they aren’t subject to God’s anti gay ‘rules’. If God didn’t want this to exist, it wouldn’t. Plants and certain animals/sea creatures, change their sex for different reasons, if they do it, why is it such a big deal that humans (who are creatures too after all) can’t do it too without all the fuss.
This is such a powerful write Amy. These poor kids just need to be understood and not hounded into thoughts of suicide and feelings of not fitting in. But, having said that, a lot of gay people, both male and female, don’t even try to understand transgender people either. What scares me is with all the genetic research they do now and talk of pre-selecting your child’s eye colours and such, if your child has any type of illness you can abort. What happens if they discover it is a gene and, if your child has a ‘gay’ gene you can abort….Scary thoughts.
Fabulous write on a very sad and emotional subject.
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, darlin’ – you have said it all here. It’s true, I’ve noticed as an ally of the LGBTQ community, that transgender people are often misunderstood. It’s almost as though there are so many “labels” attached (like my daughter, who is “gender queer,” she loves women but is totally androgynous), that I want to scream, “WE ARE ALL PEOPLE!!” You know what I mean.
God did create everyone, and we are all of us works of art in our own way. The person who pretends to speak for God and lets obscenities fly from his/her mouth about those who don’t fit their cookie-cutter image of what a person, let alone a fellow Christian, should be like… I say, fuck ’em. Truly. If they choose, in this vast world of information and enlightenment, to do what Rush and Glenn and other haters tell them to say and do, so be it. I just shake my head and say, “Wow, if only you knew what the real world was, and how diverse God made it…” That throws them for a loop!
As far as genetic research, did you know that Hitler’s “eugenics” program was given to him by… Americans? Yeah, we so sick. And the idea of “ferreting out” fetuses that don’t meet designer standards? Barf. I feel the same as an “other minded person,” manic depressive, PTSD, survivor of sexual abuse. It all came out of my genes and my experience… I have the bipolar gene and an addictive one as well. With help, I’m living a full life… and if I didn’t have those ‘peculiar’ traits, I would not have this fascinating life.
Bless you, babe, for getting it, and for all the beautiful Rainbow folks who let me play in their sandbox… and have since I knew what “gay” was at age 5! Love and solidarity and LET THE MARRIAGES COMMENCE! Amy
brian miller
she measures herself against the impossible….and how often does that happen…particularly at that age but later as well…a tough story…the lines on the wrist telling much…what a cruel world we live in to define beauty as we do…
Sharp Little Pencil
Especially when the “beauty” is supposed to be “handsome…” Thanks, Brian, Amy
ihatepoetry
Loved this Ameleh. I have a 15 y.o. who hates mirrors too. I told her it was hereditary. This was a perfect poem about an underwritten subject, and thankfully not a bit didactic. Great work, sis. Love Mosk
Sharp Little Pencil
Bruddah! Thanks for commenting. I remember looking in the mirror and hating myself… the duckling that simply wouldn’t turn into a swan… until she learned to love herself the way she was. And is. But yes, that extra twist. an example of how life pulls no punches. Thanks, hon, love from your sis, Ameleh
Steve King
Amy, Great job on this…the twist came out of the blue. Nice work!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, Steve. This poem has generated so many comments, and that means people really got it. Not a mean comment in the whole bunch – but then, my blogging friends are all so great! Like you. A
tashtoo
Amy…these kids are not alone…if we could convince them of that, life might become “manageable” Fiends we are, that have created a society where so much of the physical matters…there’s enough of me to make at least three of the “perfect” woman…and yes…my mirror was crueler than the kids and I was worst of all…to MYSELF…over a technicality in the game of life…okay…might be getting a little too fired up here,now…powerful write…we must share it, get it to the kids who need to read it…
Sharp Little Pencil
Hope you caught the subtext that this teen is speaking in the voice of a young girl but is actually a boy. Even the gay community, in general, has a hard time with this concept… but I have a couple of trans friends, and really, it’s like not being homophobic, I’m not anti-trans. Just because it isn’t my way doesn’t mean I have the right to judge anyone. Thanks, Natasha, love, Amy
purplepeninportland
`postule of a person` had me, but it just got better and better.
Sharp Little Pencil
Wow, I really appreciate that. Yes, when you look in the mirror and think you’re that bad, you need to vent. I think I needed therapy when I was young and vulnerable, but my parents wouldn’t allow it. Not surprised, they didn’t want any secrets getting out… Thanks, A
purplepeninportland
I’ve had my fill of therapy on and off since 13. Only a miniscule portion was helpful.
markwindham
no, I cannot imagine, but it must be hell. A good write Amy. Very good.
Sharp Little Pencil
Mark, thanks so much for a sensitive response. Very much appreciated when the guys weigh in on this subject! I mean it. Peace, Amy
markwindham
still good on second read.
kaykuala
I feel for the kid, Amy! This situation could have been misunderstood before. We thought they are weird, confused and they faced sneers. But even with added knowledge currently available society is still cruel. They are still regarded as misfits. It’s a pity!
Hank
Sharp Little Pencil
Hank, you have real heart. Being sensitive to the difficulties of others is the most important quality we must possess if we can even begin to change our world. Peace and understanding, right? Thanks, hon. Amy
Ravenblack
I applaud you for writing this piece. The part where the mother says goodbye to him and what she says to him — really felt for him there.
(No need to visit my blog in return; I don’t have one for dVerse this week so I’m just visiting at random. 🙂 Cheers!)
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, hon. You got to the very heart of the poem, and I love you for that! I’m also very behind in comments, so… I’m taking you at your word! Peace, Amy
Old Ollie
these years are so critical, so rough – we need to change
Sharp Little Pencil
Amen and amen, brother. Peace, Amy
kolembo
Sharp. Intake. Of. Breath.
Wow.
It took me utterly by surprise.
I almost went right by it, skimming past the 1st and 2nd, gagging on the bible – and then, I’m lost. Entirely. Gobsmacked by the force. Of my own self. Trapped.
Absolutely.
Sharp Little Pencil
YIKES! What a powerful reply. Thank you so much for coming to my blog, a home for what most of society deems “misfit toys…” There’s a lot on mental illness, being an ally of the LGBTQ community, my childhood sexual abuse… but then there’s also some funny stuff about getting stoned 35 years ago! And my wacky Irish family… I’ll stop by and see you. Peace, Amy
claudia
puberty is such a vulnerable time.. i swallowed hard at the part with the lines on her wrists where she tried to take her life.. so many teenagers do.. you captured her feelings very sensitively amy…a fine write…and one that hits the heart
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks for your understanding heart, Claudia. The fact that the girl is, in fact, physically a boy (for the time being) only adds to her frustration. Peace, Amy
Chazinator
This is really intriguing, and you had me going there for a bit. I was imagining a girl but then you send me into another dimension where these things are notbso easilynjudged as that. This is a really lovely poem, bringing to awareness a reality we should all be open to.
Sharp Little Pencil
Chaz, bless you for this. You really got the heart and soul of the work, and I love your ideas about expanding the consciousness of the world… would that it were sooner rather than later, huh? And WE thought we had awkward teenage years? Peace, Amy
steveroni2
Well…I was always a misfit–without any of the mental anguish of being in the wrong body. Maybe I’m forgetfully old, but seems I recall feeling less like a misfit, when I got with, and stayed with my own kind.
We each have our crosses to bear, and one’s heartbreak is hardly more devastating than the crushed heart of another.
But in young life…ohhh! cruelty is everywhere…
Sharp Little Pencil
Steve, at t he heart of your comment you said, got with and stayed with your own kind. I’m wondering what this means? Perhaps you were one of the fortunate ones who found their crowd and took solace in that. Me, my “kind” is every kind, and it’s always gotten me in trouble, and closer to God than I ever imagined. I’m so blessed to be thought “odd…”! Peace, Amy
Solitarywanderer
The poem is really touching and it explains the situations all teenagers and even a few adults go though,being misfit can really trouble someone to the core.
Great work
Sharp Little Pencil
SolWan, thanks for visiting my blog. It’s true, that disconnect we all feel as teens. But for a young transgender boy longing to be a girl, it’s hell… I’m coming to your blog now! Peace, Amy
Laurie Kolp
This is a poem that leaves you with a ‘Wow” and then stays with you forever. Wow.
Sharp Little Pencil
Laurie, what a beautiful thing to say about such a tough subject. I actually didn’t start with a transgender character – she was just the usual self=loathing teen girl. But it got deeper the more I opened up and let the spirit move… Peace, Amy
Pingback: Friday Foolishness – Immortal Edition | Guapola
Lindy Lee
Thoroughly empathetic, your poem “Ugly”…
Sherry Blue Sky
Wow, look at all these cool comments! You wrote this so well, Amy, and I especially like your note at the end – high school is hell for straight kids, for this poor kid it must be torture. My best friend in high school back in the day of very strict What-The-Neighbors-Will-Think 50’s/60’s, was gay and he went through freaking hell. We have come a certain distance from those times but are very far from being “there” yet. Good write, kiddo.
Susan
You got inside of this topic so beautifully that I cannot rave enough. Love it!
“Ugly” could be about any teen girl or boy, so I did not see the transgender coming up and that is so right! I love the look inside of the mirrored-self at the actual mirror alone in her room and in the face of mom which is how you reveal your point. There is no make believe here. This pain is real, not put on, not made up, there is no acting alone in her room. Her self-concept–except for not seeing her own beauty–is a true and driving force. Thus the wrist scars. Mom could be more helpful, so she is either in denial or in the dark.
Publish this?
ella
Wow Amy, this was something, the unique view and then the ending! What a punch… I can’t imagine, yet I know someone who did go as far as surgery to make herself whole~ Insightful, intelligent and emotional….Bravo for going there!
flipside records
I was loving these parts:
“Hips SO not there.
And her hair, a disaster”
“And the scars on her wrists,
constant reminders”
Got to this point and thought maybe she was pregnant: “Rubbing lavender lotion on her warm belly”
Got to here and thought maybe Paul was this girl’s brother: ““Paul, remember your biology test today.”
Got to here and went back to the pregnancy thought: “not while
that worrisome bulge is in her jeans”
Got to here and thought, holy crap—this Sharp Little Pencil chick is an awesome writer: “feels the Adam’s Apple bounce with the swallow. Ugly.”
Adrian Giannini
I know this story all to well with the field I work in and world I/we live in…. and the but I like not a patronising write but a real write
Kerry O'Connor
Your insight into the trauma of the teen’s need for acceptance and a place to belong is astute, and as you note, for those who have issues with their gender, it is a daily nightmare. Thank you for writing this – awareness is the best way to eradicate ignorance.