DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE
“Don’t bother with that now,” says he,
that little devil in me, and with a smile.
“The pills aren’t good for you – you, who are
too special to be tamed by doctors’ doses.”
I gaze through cobalt blue glass. It’s all over
our house, in unexpected places and all the
windows. Blue soothes. Blue cools my brow.
She, color of cornflowers and lobelia.
“Don’t look there. And remember,” says he,
“there is so much more fun in dancing without
benefit of discretion, in writing on the walls
before the thought skitterclatters down the hall.”
I do not listen to that voice. Not a voice, really,
that would be schizyfreaky… it’s the pull of
the World, of Things To Be Bought, of Drinks
To Be Drunk (Too Many and Too Often).
He stops, knows he’s been recognized. “Girl,
I’m only trying to help. The meds keep you under
a scripted thrall of ennui. Remember the old days?
You were the good time that was had by all.”
Had and had again, says I, searching for the
new blue top, periwinkle. Blue cobalt strand in
one ear, a blue bejeweled post in the other. I’ll sing loud
the blues. Sing over him. Sing past him and out the door.
© 2012 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
A continuation of writings probing the “many-splintered thing,” my depression! Sunday Scribblings asked for “you and me” poems. This poem takes an abstract turn because, as I continue to fight a deep depression, I’ve had an internal dialog of sorts: the relationship between the “devil” of my chemical imbalance (and temptations to go off meds) are tempered by my relationship to the color blue, a healing shade for my blues, and isn’t that ironic? For some reason, it has always brought me solace; hence, the many blue bottles and jars all over our apartment.
Anything that works. And it WILL get better, even though I was born without bootstraps by which to pull myself up… that’s where meds and therapy take over to breach the gap.
This is also posted at my calm blue writing room, Poets United. Peace to all, Amy
December 2, 2012 at 10:43 pm
I thought this was genius, Amy. Loved the last stanza and am keeping you in prayer, warrior woman!
Sharp Little Pencil
December 9, 2012 at 11:26 pm
December 3, 2012 at 12:08 am
I love this! it captures the struggle so well – beautiful writing. I look forward to reading more of your blog!
Sharp Little Pencil
December 9, 2012 at 11:27 pm
Welcome to my world, and thanks for commenting. If you have a blog, I will be your next visitor, and thank you again for the kind words. Amy
December 3, 2012 at 2:18 am
I love that you are like a boxer in the ring, will not give up and will not give in and glares at the trainer who wants to throw in the towel.
Sharp Little Pencil
December 9, 2012 at 11:45 pm
Wow, Robin, that’s one of the most complimentary comments I’ve ever received! Truly, thank you so much… Peace, Amy
December 3, 2012 at 2:48 am
honey as a psych nurse I saw so many live with this struggle. It’s true the meds aren’t great. But then the full on…uncontained mood disorder can create such destruction. And yes…it WILL get better. You have before…you will again.
Sharp Little Pencil
December 9, 2012 at 11:47 pm
Bless you for your profession, because I know it cannot be easy. And yes, it already is getting better, as predicted. I do feel the need to write while I’m in that state (as well as manic) because that’s the best time to describe what it feels to feel nothing and everything… So glad you stopped by, thanks. Amy
December 3, 2012 at 5:33 am
you are not alone amy…and its not easy…meds can do a lot of good….have seen those overdependant on them as well but they can def really help….keep walking it…keep writing it…
Sharp Little Pencil
December 9, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Writing it WHILE I’m walking that tightrope has been very healing for me. After it lifts, I’m amazed at some of the observations I made, the self-reflection as well as people’s reaction toward me. Thanks, Brian! Peace, A
December 3, 2012 at 8:18 am
Hi Amy! Even in a funk you pull gems out of that lovely brain/heart of yours. And after reading and enjoying so many of your poems, I’d venture to say that you may not have been born with bootstraps, yet it looks like you’ve built some beauties with your words. I’m rooting for you and the power of blue (the good kind) Love, Sara
December 3, 2012 at 9:58 am
Hearing you, Amy! One therapy that works is to get it off one’s chest. Then it’s one worry less to worry about! And you’re doing it just right as of now. A few postings on it would already have an effect. Just keep at it Ma’am and it’ll disappear without one realizing it!
December 3, 2012 at 10:22 am
I feel great empathy for your ongoing depression, Amy, as well as great admiration of your commitment to wellness and your awareness that it will abate. You convey the situation so clearly and calmly. You inform. I see this in an anthology about moods, brains, order and disorder. Really good piece of writing.
Sherry Blue Sky
December 3, 2012 at 12:05 pm
The internal dialogue is so well expressed, Amy. Your writing so helps people to understand. Good for you! I know from watching my daughter, that temptation to stop meds and achieve those dangerous highs. Keep looking at blue, kiddo. It will get better.
December 3, 2012 at 11:08 pm
December 4, 2012 at 12:57 am
Amy – terrific poem – depressed/not depressed/repressed/dressed ..well you get it !
As for those bootstraps you were born without – it seems like your bare soles
( oh yes I did pun) are where you always solidly land – toes feeling it all from bottom up . Great poeming 🙂
December 4, 2012 at 2:01 am
First: big comforting hug from me. Then, fulsome praise for your poem: possibly the best you’ve ever written. Do enter it for the Hippocrates prize http://www.hippocrates-poetry.org/
love ViV xoxox
December 4, 2012 at 7:03 am
Amazing woman: your words, your strength, your very soul.
December 4, 2012 at 7:21 am
Amy, our brief chat and this keeps you close to heart and mind. Maybe if your “voices” speak to my “voices” they can sort this out between them, and we can get on with it, eh? Love and peace, Darlin’. And if that don’t help, we’ll make soup!
December 4, 2012 at 11:03 am
blue. it’s all over my bedroom, mixed with deep purples, because it soothes me, too. thanks for hanging in there, and writing about it.
December 4, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Your poem is amazing. I can feel the inner dialogue and fight going on inside. I hope the writing helps you along your path of healing.
December 4, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Still laughing at Walt’s comment, if you two make soup, invite me, please 😉 Amy, you are surrounding yourself with a soothing colour, which is good for the soul. I hope for the best outcome on the tests.
Pensando en ti, mi amiga.
Que Dios té bendiga,
Linda G Hatton
December 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Sending cobalt blue positive energy your way … xo
December 4, 2012 at 8:36 pm
How I love this conversation! That devil within us is always trying to screw up our lives, I shudder to think how often I’ve let myself be taken in and short changed by his garbage. I so love the visual impact of cobalt blue, it sounds soothing, it looks soothing… it’s perfect! You’ve walked this rocky path so many times my friend, that you know in yourself how to find the road back home, and really, it’s the getting there that matters, even if sometimes we can’t walk and have to crawl. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, together we all learn, and we realize we are all in it together!
December 5, 2012 at 5:06 am
blue is the colour of summer skies, to lie in fields and stare up at. Good luck with the battle, its a hard one. *hugs* x
December 5, 2012 at 11:24 am
keep looking to the blue..sing the blues..cry the blues..it is strange how that voice becomes our voice..how against our will..our thought..it continues..your voice is stronger..(probably always has been)..
December 5, 2012 at 10:40 pm
Incredible piece of writing from the dark side.
December 8, 2012 at 1:06 am
Strong writing, and hope this helps with your fight… nice to see a soothing blue on those dark days… best wishes always… 🙂
December 8, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Pretty bravely personal stuff.
December 25, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Blue is a fine, cool color…