Forgive me, dear Toads, but I have dissected, line by line, Shakespeare’s “To be or not to be?” soliloquy and have thus bastardized the Bard in such fashion as to concoct complete nonsense on this, the anniversary of his birth, his death, and now his utter humiliation. And so, dear readers, we bring you our humble offering, which shall also be posted forthwith at Poets United.

Tubby or not Tubby; that is the question.
Whether ‘twas nobler in my mind to suffer
the stings and narrow minds of outrageous torturers
Or to shake my arms and see the blubber
and by supposing, to send them to the Y, to sleek—
No more, and by sleek to say we end
the fartbreak, and the thousand unnatural pocks
my butt was heir to. ‘Twas a consideration determined to be wished. To diet, to steep—
to steep—purchased two creams, ay, there’s the rub,
For in that steep of meth what schemes may come
When we have shuffled off to Buffalo for more,
Bust, give us pause. There’s no respect
for my anatomy of so long this life.
For who would bear the rips and tears of seams,
Th’ dresser’s wrong, the frowsy girl’s costumely
The bags of disguised lovehandles, the raw decay,
the insulin they’ll proffer, and the spurs
That patients merit from unsweetened cakes,
When she herself might her coitus make
With her vibratin’ “him”? Who would goutless bear,
to grunt and swear Richard Simmons’ life
Is that dread of aerobics after meth,
My undiscovered bounty, from fat hath born
No lipo rejects, drizzles the swill,
And shakes us farther, bear those chills we have
Than cry to others that we Nutraslim?
This consciousness makes cows of us all,
And this, the plaintive whew! of redistribution
Is stuck o’er with the frail past of night,
An enterprising great bitch who foments
With disregard their comments turn away
And lose the name of active. Soft, I’m now,
Get bare, I’ll feel ya! Wimp, in thy horizons
be all my skin remembered.

Yes, I was overweight and quite happily so for many years. But then my knees started to creak, so I ended up losing 50 pounds… with no help from Nutrislim or Richard Simmons, thank you very much.

And now, TO THE COMMENTS! Have at me, dear Bard worshipers! With a wink and a smile, The Unfair Amelia


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