Forgive me, dear Toads, but I have dissected, line by line, Shakespeare’s “To be or not to be?” soliloquy and have thus bastardized the Bard in such fashion as to concoct complete nonsense on this, the anniversary of his birth, his death, and now his utter humiliation. And so, dear readers, we bring you our humble offering, which shall also be posted forthwith at Poets United.
Tubby or not Tubby; that is the question.
Whether ‘twas nobler in my mind to suffer
the stings and narrow minds of outrageous torturers
Or to shake my arms and see the blubber
and by supposing, to send them to the Y, to sleek—
No more, and by sleek to say we end
the fartbreak, and the thousand unnatural pocks
my butt was heir to. ‘Twas a consideration determined to be wished. To diet, to steep—
to steep—purchased two creams, ay, there’s the rub,
For in that steep of meth what schemes may come
When we have shuffled off to Buffalo for more,
Bust, give us pause. There’s no respect
for my anatomy of so long this life.
For who would bear the rips and tears of seams,
Th’ dresser’s wrong, the frowsy girl’s costumely
The bags of disguised lovehandles, the raw decay,
the insulin they’ll proffer, and the spurs
That patients merit from unsweetened cakes,
When she herself might her coitus make
With her vibratin’ “him”? Who would goutless bear,
to grunt and swear Richard Simmons’ life
Is that dread of aerobics after meth,
My undiscovered bounty, from fat hath born
No lipo rejects, drizzles the swill,
And shakes us farther, bear those chills we have
Than cry to others that we Nutraslim?
This consciousness makes cows of us all,
And this, the plaintive whew! of redistribution
Is stuck o’er with the frail past of night,
An enterprising great bitch who foments
With disregard their comments turn away
And lose the name of active. Soft, I’m now,
Get bare, I’ll feel ya! Wimp, in thy horizons
be all my skin remembered.
Yes, I was overweight and quite happily so for many years. But then my knees started to creak, so I ended up losing 50 pounds… with no help from Nutrislim or Richard Simmons, thank you very much.
And now, TO THE COMMENTS! Have at me, dear Bard worshipers! With a wink and a smile, The Unfair Amelia
April 23, 2013 at 2:27 pm
Oh this is priceless! And so clever too. I’ve had a good laugh while admiring your skill at parody.
April 23, 2013 at 2:29 pm
A fun poem! Thanks for pposting it.
Emma llm calling
April 23, 2013 at 2:41 pm
brilliant, I think this is my favourite read of the day
April 23, 2013 at 2:50 pm
this is GREAT ❤
April 23, 2013 at 2:51 pm
Only a lout like yours truly would consider Shakespeare overrated, nonetheless, Oy iz diz funny! You outdid yourself ladybug! Lost 50 pounds? They obviously weren’t the pounds with the talent! Me, I don’t call it overweight, I call it gravitas! Loved this Ameleh!
April 23, 2013 at 3:32 pm
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa 😀 *glee*
April 23, 2013 at 3:33 pm
Billy Shakes wood con sitter it a fyne gift.
Sharp Little Pencil
April 23, 2013 at 11:04 pm
Thinkest thou thus? Prithee, accept myne gratitude.
April 23, 2013 at 4:43 pm
Not a bodice stays unripped here 🙂
April 23, 2013 at 5:22 pm
“For who would bear the rips and tears of seams,”
This is my favorite line, Amy!
Weight and lack of it…a beast and often a disease…sad really.
Great job dissecting this piece and playing parody with it! 🙂
April 23, 2013 at 5:31 pm
I liked the way the rhythm and beat of the original held fast. I think the bard would have loved it or would he have said “get thee to a nunnery”?
Sharp Little Pencil
April 23, 2013 at 11:04 pm
More like, “Get thee to a nuttery!”
Kay, Alberta, Canada
April 23, 2013 at 5:34 pm
And here you are again, when I can’t laugh any more without getting muscle spasms.
It’s Will’s fault for leaving himself open to parody, and parroting, bless his little sonneteer’s heart.
April 23, 2013 at 6:07 pm
“For who would bear the rips and tears of seams”
Way too many, if you ask me! This is a delightful use of “To Be or Not Tubby”!
More, it’s a dire warning against the cures for over-weighty-ness and at the same time a celebration of hefty sensuality. My goodness! I hope this gets out there for discerning readers! BTW, congratulations on meeting a personal goal even when rejecting the tortures available in the marketplace.
April 23, 2013 at 6:27 pm
I like your sense of fun in what I consider Will’s serious work ~ Congrats on your writing streak ~
April 23, 2013 at 7:47 pm
OK, now I am downright hysterical … cheers!
April 23, 2013 at 9:32 pm
Yes, this is fun (and I bow to all your work with the poem and 50 pounds lost) and I think Shakespeare many a night had fun writing his words to.
April 24, 2013 at 1:53 am
I think you think in iambic pentameter! This is brilliant and hilarious and irreverent – I’d throw in more adjectives if I could think of any at this time of the morning!
April 24, 2013 at 10:19 am
Amy, you definitely have the knack for revising Shakespeare–I cannot believe that you were ever overweight! tubby or not tubby–still giggling 🙂
April 24, 2013 at 2:33 pm
thank you for this fun take on the Bard.. I now need to go read the other posts you have earlier..
my favorite line – ‘For who would bear the rips and tears of seams’
and of course, tubby or not …
April 24, 2013 at 8:29 pm
Hilarious! This is classic, Amy, a parody at its best! You said it like it is, that’s the clincher. The Bard would certainly welcome it, knowing you matched his wit! Brilliant!
April 25, 2013 at 9:25 am
Can’t type clearly for the tears of delight. Nought but fun and delight in your pen.
April 25, 2013 at 11:07 am
Parody can be so much fun!
April 25, 2013 at 12:07 pm
Bill is quaking in his sphere…with laughter♫