Milk Shakes and Enemas
Some doctors are too strict about
a pregnant woman’s “dos” and don’ts”
So I went to a good midwife
so didn’t issue “can’ts” or “won’ts”
I kept up with my calcium
the folic acid, fruit treats, too
But when the temp hit 1-0-3
I called her, whining “What to do?
“I’m sweating like a roasted pig
I’ve showered cold three times today
I need the consummate relief…
I need it NOW, without delay!”
“You’re nine months in, due any day
May I suggest, indulge yourself
Choose something cold and make it sweet
Go get the blender off the shelf”
Now Baby kicked up quite the storm,
I took it as an omen good
Some chocolate ice cream, Hershey sauce
The ultra in forbidden food
Plopped by the air conditioner
set on Freeze Off My Toes,
as Baby did the Caffeine Dance
my smile bloomed like a perfect rose
Of course, that night, my water broke
and labor quickly did commence
with my intestines like a brick…
The milk shake, oy! No common sense
Now, enemas are never fun
Less so when huffing through the pain
Were I another babe to bear,
no third-trimester shakes again
© 2013 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
And they all lived happily ever after
(Image from Amy’s private collection, pls. do not duplicate)
Poetic Bloomings wanted a poem about two contrasting things. This was the first “odd couple” to come to mind, and it’s a true story, ugh. The only good thing that came out of that ordeal (I spared you the boomerang Gatorade!) was Riley.
Also linked to my little slice of heaven, Imaginary Garden With Read Toads’ Open Link Monday!
Sharp Little Pencil 
coalblack
Get a load of you, clowning for the camera!
Sharp Little Pencil
WE do it a lot in our house… we’re clowns, but not scary ones.
The Story Reading Ape
And people look at the sweet little mite and say AHHHH aren’t you so happy and proud of such a quiet little treasure and you always answer, Yes, no trouble at all 😛
Sharp Little Pencil
Actually, I don’t remember the labor pains at all. They were long ago supplanted by the pains in the butt of Riley’s teenage years!! Lovely girl, but really, change your socks once in a while!
Timoteo
Was it a coffee enema? And did you specify regular or decaf?
Sharp Little Pencil
It was a soapy one, although I asked for a mochaccino with extra foam. They weren’t accommodating in the least, ha ha ha.
kaykuala
Birthing and motherhood go hand in hand. Pity man cannot experience the contraction pains and birth to appreciate better what woman went through. Nicely Amelita!
Hank
Sharp Little Pencil
Hank, you really don’t want to go through labor. REALLY. It’s nice, and you are a sensitive, New Age kinda guy, but… you’d have to pass it through your… well, it would be massively worse than our version!! Just holding the bucket while we vomit the Gatorade back up is support enough. Amelita
Kay, Alberta, Canada
I’ve never been through birthing pains, so I can laugh, but it it must have felt awful at the time. Still, I hope the memory of feeling cool made up for it. I do know how it is to feel beyond-air-conditioner hot.
K
Sharp Little Pencil
Kay, it’s like the worst backache you ever had, plus people telling you stuff and you’re sucking on ice chips and if you don’t have an episiotomy, you get a tear down there and it burns like hell, plus you puke a lot. You didn’t miss anything but the “secret surprise” at the end… And did I mentioned they give you lots of Gatorade that your can “boomerang” into a bucket a few minutes later? Fun, fun, fun.
Polly Robinson
heh-heh … loving the photo ~ and the poems pretty brill too! 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
Thought you’d like that shot. Goofy as hell…
Sherry Blue Sky
I love this, especially the photo of your beautiful girl!
Sharp Little Pencil
My beautiful girl who was strangling me, you mean? Ha ha, posed pic. Amy
hedgewitch
Great pic, and you also bring back poignant memories of a pre-birth pizza incident of my own. ;_)
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, pizza should be banned from all pregnant women’s diets, I know. I had pizza three days before and it was probably still working through my system. Thanks for being brave and printing this publicly!!
mindlovemisery
Love picture its adorable =) Fabulous poem too! I remember being pregnant in the NC heat and we had to move
Sharp Little Pencil
You moved mid-pregancy? Oy! That takes determination. but then, I was playing piano bar to “earn” my time off (long story) until I was so big I couldn’t reach the piano keys!
mindlovemisery
There is something beautiful about the image even though I am sorry you couldn’t get time off. Tried to move it was in the middle of summer I think my husband got most of the work and you know he didn’t ask for help from friends
vivinfrance
Fun. My 1st: hospital, no escaping shave and enema and stitches. 2nd: home delivery none of that nonsense, giggles with midwife over the gas and air! I was playing the guitar and singing an hour before the baby arrived in good order.
Sharp Little Pencil
Viv, my first hub wanted a home delivery and I refused because I knew he would never do the sheets and linens!! Plus the place was a pigsty with all his instruments and medical books on alternative medicine everywhere. Now that I am with a sane man, I wish we had had one together… Thanks for demonstrating the difference.
You play guitar TOO? I envy you that! A
vivinfrance
not any more. It was my birthday present a few weeks before S was born and practising with it perched on the bump was difficult. I played off and on for years, until my stepson found it in a cupboard and gave it to a friend. I never forgave him for that!
Kerry O'Connor
This is quite a tale – and so well told in rhyme. I’m sure many of us can relate to the tribulations of that most wonderful and scary time of life called pregnancy. I miss it sometimes, but get over the feeling pretty quickly.
Sharp Little Pencil
Being pregnant is lovely. Labor I could have done without…!
lolarose0
being pregnant is 49 years behind me. yikes. and yet, i remember like yesterday.
good writing. glad to see you here more.
Sharp Little Pencil
Lola, since I became a Toad I do run into you more, and that’s a blessing for me. Thanks. It’s been almost 25 years for me since Riley’s birth…
yelena
oh that photo is so lovely Amy 🙂 brilliant poem as well.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, Yelena!
Susan
Humor from pain, very nicely done. Did you have other babies without ice cream?
Sharp Little Pencil
I had no other babies. One miscarriage and one (ugh) abortion before Riley… and she was in with Velcro, for sure. I speak about the abortion without shame, because I think it’s important that my younger “sisters” get health care. Of course, guys manning up and using condoms would help, too. I got preggers on the PILL, AND he was using a condom. Fertile Myrtle. Wish I’d had one with Lex… ah.
LaTonya
Hilarious! I chose a mid-wife, too. Pretty baby.
Sharp Little Pencil
LaTonya, she is so beautiful today. Like Audrey Hepburn with a closely shaved head…
Maggie Grace
Lol. Such a dose of reality. Adore the photo ♥
Sharp Little Pencil
Thx, Maggie!
Jim
Until the ending this reminded me of Doc Martin’s “fiancée” with her mid-wife. She ended up very sick and needing medical care and help from the Doc (daddy to be).
I like your picture. Isn’t it nice to have a stach to draw from!!!
..
..
Sharp Little Pencil
Jim, I don’t follow Doc Martin, but I get the drift anyway!
I have so many stacks of family pictures, it’s true, even old sepias of the Laughling side of my family.
Mama Zen
This cracked me up!
Jinksy
Thanks for that peep into the past! LOL
Laurie Kazmierczak
Fun write of passage♫ My new Website…:http://lauriekazmierczak.com/three-quarter-moon/
Roger Green
My wife had to eat more eggs when she was pregnant per week than she usually eat per month. Funny story. .
asteria22
awww the pic says it all but the words said it better..
Sara v
Oh Amy, that does not sound fun! Yikes…though I’m sure that shake was wonderful at the time 😉 So happy it all ended well and generated a fun poem too!
Andrew Kreider
This is hilarious, Amy. It should be included in the materials from all the best childbirth classes! The photo makes it look like you all went from strength to strength…. Love it.
ihatepoetry
Well, it’s no “Incense and Peppermints,” but Ioved it all the more. Great pic of you and Princess R.
janehewey
this is great, Amy. A blackberry shake sent me into labor with my third pregnancy. Lucky for me it was only a 3 hour labor, not much time for anything else : ) this took me back to all of my births and those long days in that last trimester.