This happened long ago and far away, but the memory still stings. Mental health consumers, take note. Amy
Dark Place In An Old-Time Church
Once upon a time, I, Sunday School teacher and wife of the preacher
asked for prayers for my falling, frail state of
misdiagnosed psychiatric overdose.
What a head-first dive into the greasy gruel of the gossip pool.
Mental illness was whispered there with vague disgust.
These were tough folks, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”
Could spare no time for a mental lapse
Manic = panic = Someone Else’s Family
Treat diabetes with insulin
No reason my skin should’ve been thought thin
Imbalance of a chemical nature, a different nomenclature
My bootstraps are still pharmaceutical
Incidental mental quirks, deep emotion runs
through my family like Drano through pipes
creative, self-deprecating, frustrating, flustered
mermaids – hilarious but precariously perched on the rocks
It was no a sin, this place I was in,
and not theirs to judge,
for as they whispered uneducated superstitions behind me back,
they were also mocking Jesus’ message of love
I sing praise to the God who has seen me at my lowest and pulled me higher.
While I was wrapped in darkness
God lit the fire, showed me the light, and
got me from uptight to upright
They stared as I took my fall;
I scared them all, even as I forgave them in my heart.
Upright eventually, but when would I fall again?
And then – when would I mend?
© 2011 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
Also posted at my poetic home, Poets United.
Sharp Little Pencil 
Roger Green
yeah, the ‘get over it’ crowd tend to P### ME OFF
Sharp Little Pencil
They piss me off too. It’s OK to say it (or write it) “out loud” with me. Believe me, I’m the weirdest wife of a pastor you will ever meet!!! A
vivinfrance
Heartfelt and wry. You’ve used some lyrical language in this stark tale. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Sharp Little Pencil
“Stark” is a great word for this one, Viv, and thanks! Just saw your Jacqueline du Pre post and loved it… I urge my readers to visit Viv’s blog! Amy
booguloo
I’ve seen what the “old ladies” of the church could do to people. I’m surprised you didn’t mention that they may have asked you to cross your legs because they only brought 3 nails.
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, Michael, you are SOOOO bad! I can’t believe you said that! LOL Amy
booguloo
Something happens to middle aged women in the church when they hit their 60’s. Something drastic. I’ve seen it time and time again. The spirits of envy and gossip comes over them like wildfire. Just my observation.
Sharp Little Pencil
And sometimes it happens even earlier… but you’re right. It’s true of men as well, only they tend to want to chair committees!
Debbie
I love how you can turn your experiences into a poem and reach out to others at the same time. You have a special gift, Amy.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, Debbie, I appreciate this! Amy
Tilly Bud
Honest and brave, Amy. And you did right to forgive them 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, Linda. Hope it didn’t sound self-serving…. but I wanted to include that part. A
beespoetry
This flows rather nicely- I read it out loud, and wow. Those internal rhymes peppered throughout make it. And ‘greasy gruel of the gossip pool’ is SO true.
Ah, people are so frustrating, are they not? That used to be an awful feeling: standing in a church surrounded by people you know are just mouthing words on Sunday, and by the time they step out of the building, they’ve already forgotten what they were supposed to hang onto. What of acceptance, understanding?
And as for the last stanza? “Fall down seven times, get up eight.”
It is so much harder than that, as you know. But if you’ve fallen off the motorcycle and picked it up again once, the next times you fall it gets easier to control your reaction to the free-fall plummet from your normal life.
Congrats on pulling yourself up by your pharmaceutical bootstraps!
Sharp Little Pencil
I feel sort of bad that it sounds like I’m slamming all churches. This was one place, long ago, and I won’t be back again… yet there are many congregations, clubs, organizations of all kinds, that are filled with people who trash-talk behind the backs of their “friends,” and it’s especially hard to take in a place of worship. One minute, it’s “Lord, Lord” and the next, it’s “buzz off.”
I’m so glad you liked this poem and could relate. I know I’ve had so many go-rounds with “church shopping” and finding the people I’m supposed to be with. Not easy, but the United Church of Christ has proved to be, for my values, the best fit. And the folks at Lake Edge are just wonderful. Particularly hard to be a pastor’s wife (“person-in-law”!), but they make it so easy! Amy
beespoetry
That’s awesome 🙂 And yeah, out of all the Christian denominations I’ve run into, the United Church is one of the more sane ones. And laid back, haha.
I’m glad we can all find our own way to the divine, if we so choose. There are as many paths as there are people on the planet, right?
Sharp Little Pencil
You are right on the money, Bee. All ways that lead with love are the right ways. God, Creator, Allah, Jehovah, no name at all… no distinctions. We are all one on this planet, and WITH this planet.
Sherry Blue Sky
So beautifully and compassionately written, Amy. I love the God who “saw me at my lowest and pulled me higher”. And that you forgave them in your heart. I love this poem, and your wise heart.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you, Sherry, and you know, when I first wrote this, I wasn’t in a forgiving mood. Yet writing the poem helped me to the forgiveness part. So I conclude, poetry does more than fuel the imagination; it can actually move our souls to a higher place. Amy
Renee Espriu
I so understand this and it is so true. I had an incident happen with my own sister where she simply was exhausted from caring for mom before she died and her church members were none too sympathetic, much as in your piece posted here. I have learned to separate churches and members from that which is greater than ourselves. That is what sees us through. Thank You!
Sharp Little Pencil
Renee, there are lots of great churches, mosques, synagogues, Friends meetings, temples… so many wonderful communities of faith. I posted this one for reaction, and wow, am I getting some views! My only hope is that everyone find a community of folks, religious or not, with whom they can share the joys of life. Amy
RoughWaterJohn
I love the words, feel empathy for their cause, and admire the author, thank you.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, John, I appreciate these words so much. Amy
christine
Why do some churchie people do that? I asked for prayer at a ladies circle meeting, I needed it because I decided to go off the paxil I was taking for a year. As each prayer request was prayed for, mine was missed. Yah, that helped me, alot.
Sharp Little Pencil
I haven’t the vaguest idea. People are uncomfortable about discussing many important matters in church: Mental illness, prayers for peace in the Middle East, especially as pertains to stopping the American war machine; child abuse; addictions. Our church would never skip your prayer, though, Christine, so if you make it to Madison, come to Lake Edge UCC! Love, Amy
Grace Walker
I can SOOOO relate! One of my favorite quotes I heard from Wesley Ariarajah. He was quoting someone else. “Churches are not museums for the saints, but rather hospitals for the sinners.” Some churches prove this better than others!
I, too, am a pastor’s wife and a pastor in my own right. So glad you have found a home in the UCC! I’m Christian Church (Disciples of Christ). UCC and DOC are ecumenical partners. Blessings to you!
Sharp Little Pencil
SISTER! We are indeed partners in the faith! And you have also done the seminary training, while I absorbed much through Lex. I’m a high-school graduate (by the skin of my teeth) but a life-long learner, so his experiences (those he was able to share) and mine (ditto) have helped our partnership tremendously.
I’m a lay music minister – also a jazz singer, so you can imagine what folks in that church thought of me from the get-go! Thanks, and welcome! Amy
ladynimue
It was no a sin, this place I was in,
and not theirs to judge,
for as they whispered uneducated superstitions behind me back,
they were also mocking Jesus’ message of love
I so loved these lines .. Been low in life , i guess i became more considerate to others.. God’s way of lesson i guess .. God bless you amy !
Sharp Little Pencil
And you, Nimue. I’ve been plenty low myself, and I believe it’s not really God’s plan, but a definite benefit in being able to relate to folks better… having walked a mile or two in their shoes, right? Thanks so much! 😉