The Big Change
How to explain the changes ahead of me.
First, Mom needed gin, just a snort
to abort the mortification of
the dreaded subject at hand: Sex.
On a page in her steno notebook,
she drew crude diagrams:
Ovaries, tubes, uterus – utilitarian scrawls,
later to be thrown away in disgust.
“The egg starts in here,” pen on ovary,
“travels down through here,”
tracing Fallopian Lane,
“and ends up here. Once a month.”
Another jigger of gin for courage.
“If the egg gets fertilized, it stays here
and becomes a baby. If not,”
siiiiiiigh, “you bleed and need some equipment.”
She pulled out the mysterious
blue box, used heretofore only by
Mom and my big sisters. Removing
napkin and belt, she trussed me up.
That was the extent of Sex Ed with Mom:
There were eggs (aren’t eggs big?).
There were tubes and a place
you might make a baby (is fertilization about peat moss?)
Later I found out the good stuff…
recalling Mae West’s immortal wisdom:
“No man ever loved me
the way I love myself!”
© 2011 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
For Poetic Bloomings, a new site – check it out! Theirbeing Change. Also at Poets United, the poetry collective.
Sharp Little Pencil 
Bodhirose
Hehe… oh, boy, this brought back memories but not of my mother–she never uttered a word to any of us about the “birds and the bees”. She left it up to the school–and our friends. But when I sat my own two daughters down and explained this change they would soon go through they listened attentively until I got to the “good part”. Disgust and lots of ewwws erupted! I tried to be delicate and sensitive and told them their opinions would most likely change once they grew older…
And…I needed no gin or other tonics for the job!
Thanks for sharing this, Amy–I love it.
Gayle
Sharp Little Pencil
Gayle, I was just as forthright with Riley. But when we got to the stuff Mae West was talking about, oh yeah, TMI TMI TMI! (hands over ears, “Lalalalalala”) God, the things I had to figure out on my own. Thank god fertilization didn’t involve peat moss. And petrie dishes? They’re just the new Miracle Gro, LOL.
I didn’t need anything but a good cup of coffee, either. Let’s pat ourselves on the back today for being good mommies! Thanks for your comments… Peace, Amy
liv2write2day
This is soooo funny. My mom was a bit more creative. She used to hid HER chocolate covered cherries in the linen closet. She knew my sister and I were on to her and would sneak one when she wasn’t around. So when we were the right age, she hid a book put out by the Kotex company: “You’re a Young Lady Now.” So we self-educated. Gotta love Mae West!
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, man… the Freudian implication of the chocolate-covered – oh, never mind. Shouldn’t go there, LOL.
She’s one smart woman – or else she just decided that Kotex had the right idea! I remember that pamphlet, actually. And yes, Mae West: “I used to be Snow White… but I drifted!” Amy
TheMsLvh
Very very clever!
She pulled out the mysterious
blue box, used heretofore only by
Mom and my big sisters. Removing
napkin and belt, she trussed me up.
Gosh< I remember that! arrrrh
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, yeah, before the tape-to-the-panties feature, that damned belt. But I must admit, it was more efficient in the long run. Fewer sweaters tied around the waist… I did feel trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey! Thanks, Ms. L! Amy
Daydreamertoo
Hahaha…. What a wonderful witty way you described something so awful I hated my monthly’s with a passion! but, it’s easy to see how some girls didn’t have a clue about their ‘time of the month’ or where babies came from too, when they weren’t ever taught properly. This is so well told by you. Made me giggle.
Sharp Little Pencil
Knew you’d get a kick out of this one… yeah, we were sheltered, all right… from useful knowledge! Thanks, hon. Amy
Renee Espriu
You at least had a bit of Sex Ed! LOL My mom wasn’t forthcoming. If I didn’t learn it in school…oh, well! Some memories are just too funny.
Sharp Little Pencil
Renee, if you can call what my mom said “a bit,” then yes, I suppose I was lucky, but she was so potted by the end, LOL. The whole subject of embarrassment when, well, they HAD sex just to get us, cracks me up! Amy
Dennis welch
this is hilarious!!!
Reminds me of the talk my dad with me.Yea, I was 18 at the time and I thought he was gonna have a heart attack.
Always love your writings. Awesome job.
Sharp Little Pencil
I had a feeling it would be as bad for guys, but the talk would be about a) responsibility re: condoms, and b) it’s OK if you hold your math book in front of your pants between classes, it happens to all guys at that age! Poor parents. Thanks, Dennis, for being a loyal reader and commenter! Peace, Amy
Mama Zen
Oh, the mortification! You’ve captured it well.
Sharp Little Pencil
If Mom had her way it would have been the MUMMIFICATION of all three of us girls, to save her the worry, LOL. I haven’t asked my sisters if she had to get as plotzed to tell them… hmmm… will have to email! Thanks for relating, Kelli! Peace and cramp-free ‘Friends,’ Amy
Bodhirose
Hehe… this just tickled me, Amy! Yeah, thank God fertilization didn’t include peat moss…lol!
I probably told my daughters things that most mothers would never dare–referring to your last line and quote by Mae West–“No man ever loved me the way I love myself!” No shame there.
Patting myself on my back…
Peace,
Gayle
Sharp Little Pencil
Good for you, Gayle! When I started in on the “M” word (the one that ends in “asturbation”), Riley looked at me like, TMI, TMI, Mom. So I told her that there would be times when someone wanted to get hot and heavy and she wouldn’t be ready, so what’s a girl to do? Yes, Mae West, another in our Cloud of Knowing Witnesses!! Good for you, honey! Amy
Elizabeth.
Oh, Amy, this is fun. My mum mysteriously told me that the time had come when I shouldn’t walk down country lanes with strange men! That was it! x
Sharp Little Pencil
Ha ha, Elizabeth! That’s one of the tamest mom stories yet, and we’ve had a lot of “oblique sex ed” comments on this poem. God bless your mum, she was that scared of the whole subject. Amy
Inside the Mind of Isadora
Nicely done … pretty good way to explain away the curse .. that’s what I was told it was.
Namaste,
Isadora
Sharp Little Pencil
Izzy, you are one of the only women who’s responded so far who got even THIS MUCH info from her mother, ha ha. Guess we were luckier than I thought! Namaste, Amy
Mike Patrick
I received sex education on the farm–around horses and cows. Talk about feeling inadequate.
Sharp Little Pencil
Laughing OUT LOUD. Farm boys have it bad!
This is one of the best responses I’ve received all week! Thanks, Mike, and trusting you have by now found yourself to be more than adequate, Amy
Bodhirose
P.S. I just noticed here that “constructive” is missing its “s”.
Hugs…
Sharp Little Pencil
YIKES! Will correct. Thanks so much, Gayle – I really mean it when I say I invite constructive critique. Typos ain’t a girl’s best friend, to paraphrase Marilyn! (wink) Amy
Kwee Lewis
I love the steno pad and the drawings… Wish I had thought of that when I thought I needed to have The Talk with my young (at the time) son. It would have made him laugh even more!
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, I am so thankful that, since I was a single mom and the youngest of three daughters, I didn’t have a boy to raise on my own. I would have had to have a friend come over to join in on the discussion, because I was clueless!! Great comment, Kwee, thanks! Amy