BOX ROOM
Awakening
Counting ceiling tiles, blurred
She loses track
Wondering
Was that a scream she heard
falling through a crack
Speaking
Her words not quite right, slurred
The drugs’ve made her whack
Feeling
Straps on her wrists, tethered
Detox. The Rack.
© 2011 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
For anyone who has made it through detox. My mother did it cold turkey to avoid the above experience, and she had a lot of help from my father. Issues with Dad aside, this was the best thing he ever did for my mother – help her get through kicking alcohol at the age of 60. She spent her last 10 years in recovery and died sober. Amen. Amy
For dverse – a fascinating group = and at Poets United, forever my home.
Sharp Little Pencil 
Laurie Kolp
Amy- Great piece on withdrawals/ DTs. Yeah for your mom!!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much, Laurie. Mom died 20 years ago, but I was by her side and when she passed, I took her hand and yelled, “Mom, you died sober, good for you!” Sent her up with a joyful noise. Thanks, and peace… Amy
karenfrommentor
I liked how pared down, raw and sharp this was… suited the subject matter to a tee.
Sharp Little Pencil
After running over to your blog and reading your latest, I take this as a wonderful compliment. You’re a great writer, Karen! Thanks, and peace… Amy
booguloo
Very well said. My experience wasn’t that intense, but I have seen friends go through this very thing.
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, yeah, I have, too, Michael. Held some hands (and held back some hair…). My experience withdrawing from cocaine was 4 days, 3 nights on a Greyhound from CA to NYS. Surreal…
liv2write2day
It must be so awful. My mother, now 90, has been in recovery since 1967. I don’t think she ever really had to detox, though…just stopped drinking. Recovery programs are such a blessing.
Sharp Little Pencil
Good for your mother. God bless her, 90? My mom didn’t make it to 70 – even though she was sober her last 10 years, she could not stop smoking, and it all ganged up on her.
I’m glad your mom made it through – and then some! Amy
Heaven
Tight and powerful write… My hubby quit smoking, cold turkey, one day, and thankfully he (and I) didn’t go thru any painful process.
Thanks for sharing this.
Sharp Little Pencil
You know, Mom gave up drinking but could NOT conquer cigs. Said she was afraid if she stopping smoking, she’d go back to drinking. Thinking about the character alteration, etc., I said, “Smoke ’em if you got ’em.”
Smoking is harder to quit than cocaine. Fact. Tell your hubby that I am so happy for you both… I lost my singing career to second-hand smoke, and I applaud anyone who is able to quit. Amy
Pat Hatt
Yeah something I’d never want to go through, the agony, you captured it well, nice!
Sharp Little Pencil
No one ever wants it to go that far, but it can happen before one realizes the death grip alcohol can wield. If my mom had not been so frank with me about what she went through, I never would have known the whole story, so BRAVA CHARLOTTE! Thanks, Pat. Amy
Joseph Harker
Concise and powerful… I never know if it’s harder on the people who go through it or the people who have to help them through it, but we always have to take courage in how things will be after it’s over. The way through, though: this sums up the harrowing of it well.
Sharp Little Pencil
Joseph, thank you so much for this. I value your opinion! The courage, I believe, was on both sides – as well as the courage for my mother to relate the story, to give my dad credit when they really didn’t get along at all for many reasons (as you know). If she had not been frank with me about what happened, I’d never have been able to write this. It all comes ’round. And “harrowing” is a word that’s appropriate for this post. Thanks, and peace to you, my friend, Amy
hedgewitch
Short and to the prickly point. You make the experience very real and vivid in a minimal and stark delivery which only adds to their impact.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much for this. It’s pretty much as my mother related it to me. We were close, so she told me the harder stories of what she went through… Peace, Amy
TheMsLvh
What can I say but FREAK on several levels. You captivated me with:
Wondering
Was that a scream she heard
falling through a crack
Then I was all your till the end.
Alcohol, I believe is the only addiction that should have medical supervision, from all that I have read. Great for your Mom and Bless your Dad! You should be proud of her for doing that and giving you 10 years being sober.
TheMsLvh
please correct my misspelling…opps! on previous post..thanks!
Sharp Little Pencil
OOPS! Too late… don’t worry, don’t FREAT out, LOL. It happens to the best of us. A
Sharp Little Pencil
The reason she didn’t want medical supervision is because, in those days, they threw the alcoholics in with the mental ward. In some ways nowadays we know they intersect, but her dread of mental wards after years of watching her bipolar mom come home from hospital like a zombie terrified her. I think she was probably manic depressive too, as am I, but self-medicating to stave off the inevitable.
Nowadays, clinics are the way to go… if your insurance covers it, IF they have a good clinic in network… Good Lord, universal health care, PLEASE!!! Thanks for a thoughtful reply, Ms. L. Peace, Amy
brian
yikes…not detox but this makes me think of the psyche ward where i go every couple months with a kid i work with …one of them…rather frightening to wake up ina strange place and feel the animal within
Sharp Little Pencil
That’s exactly why my mom detoxed at home. In those days, they threw alcoholics in with the mental illness population, and my mom (probably manic depressive like her mother, and like me) was scared to death of institutions. They did Frankenstein ECT on her mom in the 30s, and she’d come home a zombie.
Your work sounds very challenging, and I commend you for answering that calling, Brian. You are definitely sensitive to folks in your care. Peace, Amy
Daydreamertoo
Awww glad your mom made it through and stayed sober. The thought of being restrained like that would drive me nuts.
Deep, emotive, lovely.
Sharp Little Pencil
The larger restraint would have been detoxing at a hospital, for her, at least. This came from what she told me about her experience, so Charlotte shares in the credit. Thanks so much, hon, Amy
kaykuala
Detox apparently is terrifying and painful. Once it’s through, it’ll be most satisfying for everyone. Am glad it did to your family. Very Good write, Amy!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much. Yes, detox is very painful, and I’m amazed that mom, after systematically killing herself f or 40 years, was able to see the light and sober up. She and I always shared the best and worst of everything with each other, so Charlotte deserves a lot of credit for this poem. Brava, my departed diva. Peace, Amy
tashtoo
Thought this an awesome write, the title perfect and all too fitting. And I’ll second that Amen! A hard fought battle won.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks for stopping by to visit, and for leaving a comment. I’ll come over to see you now.
A hard battle won, indeed. She never drank again and lived to 69, which was incredible, given the circumstances… Peace, Amy
hollyheir
Torture. Excellent tight write. Will no one listen? So sorry you had to endure this, and even more that she did. Clearly there’s a predisposition in human makeup to become addicted and knowing that it would make life so much better if we could avoid the temptations. Wishing you peace!
Thank you!
Sharp Little Pencil
Holly, thank you for your sensitivity. Mom had the harder time, because she remained addicted to cigs. I cleaned up my act after seeing her alcohol-free, God bless her. And my daughter, now 22, knows about her gram’s problems, the time I wasted in my 20s chasing drugs because I didn’t know I was manic depressive and that it ran in my family. So my daughter is luckiest of all, because we are open and honest about foibles as well as about successes. Thanks so much for stopping – will check your blog now! Amy
woih
It’s strikes me as an honest existence to be able to put down something that has had such a grip on oneself for good.
I was recently in a similar situation for PTSD when I heard those same screams from down the hall. They never seem to go away or become less crisp and thunderous.
…and i remember knowing every crack on the ceiling. And honoring and honest write.
To rest one day for us all,
Dennis
Sharp Little Pencil
Detox is a horrifying experience, and I also share PTSD, but from different experiences, probably. And yes, those screams remain in your mind, a wrinkle in the brain I wish I could iron out.
Charlotte was scared of institutions; Blanche (her mom, my grandma) was the one trussed up like a turkey. Such a feeling of powerlessness, of being trapped. And that was in the days of ECT like Frankenstein. She would emerge zombie-like in demeanor, but less “threatening” (her acid tongue, her unbelievable grasp of knowledge) to her husband…
Yes, rest is good, I agree. Thanks so much, Dennis. Amy
Bodhirose
Bless your mother. My father went cold turkey too without any help. I was far away out of the house when he went through that…
Sharp Little Pencil
I was away, too, but my mom and I had such a close relationship, she told me everything about her experiences, as well as those of her mom, who was manic depressive like me (and I think Mom, too, so she became a drunk to self-medicate). I found out later, when I came home, she was sober, and I promptly gave up drugs. A
Debbie
Thank you for writing about issues that reflect your compassion and understanding and love . . .as well as awesome poetry. So glad to hear about your mom . . .what an accomplishment at 60! wow!
Sharp Little Pencil
It’s true, she used up the last of her best strength beating, and maintaining her victory. over alcohol. Even though she and my dad had a contentious relationship, I have to give him credit for honoring her wishes not to be institutionalized and helping her through this torture. She was an amazing woman, and I miss her… 20 years after her death, she’s still “thisclose”! Amy
expatinCAT
‘…a scream…falling through a crack..’ a great write Amy and a hard one too.. // Peter.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much, Peter. How did you find my post? Just curious if you’re a blogger, too. Peace, Amy
Claudia
so glad for the happy end with your mom, this is a tight and raw write and so many don’t make it..
Sharp Little Pencil
So true. She was 60 and could have died from trying to do it herself, with Dad’s help, but her mom had been institutionalized for manic depression (also my disorder, though I’m lucky to live in the day and age of help and healing and therapy and meds). Thanks for a compassionate comment, Claudia. Peace, Amy
Arron Shilling (@ArronShilling)
Simple but packed with effective and strong words that provoke powerful images
smart and slick with a real punch
cheers
Sharp Little Pencil
Arron, thanks. This is how it was relaying to me by my mom, and she told me everything – the good and the bad. Twenty years she’s been gone, and I still miss her stories, and her reactions to mine. Never judging each other, just appreciating the honesty and the acceptance. Peace, Amy
Inside the Mind of Isadora
It’s inconceivable to imagine. I pray for those who would have to go through it.
Bravo for your Mom who made the decision.
Yes … to Amen.
Isadora
Sharp Little Pencil
Izzy, I agree, although I did detox from cocaine on a 4-day bus trip home from LA to NYS. But it took her a couple of weeks, at least. Although I had problems with my dad, I was grateful to him for helping her avoid institutionalization, which she dreaded, as her mom was in mental hospitals for years and came out like a drone.
Namaste, Amy
wolfsrosebud
I wonder if there is a family who hasn’t gone through this experience. You pictured it intensely.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks for stopping by my blog, Rosebud. I don’t know… unfortunately, I think a lot more families have an alcoholic parent who never makes it to recovery… and that’s a sad observation indeed. Coming over to your blog now. Peace, Amy
Amanda Moore
wow what a sad and scary experience glad I have never had to live this, that last verse just got to me!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank God you never had to live this, Amanda. And to that, I say AMEN! Thank you for your comment, very much appreciate your taking time. Peace, Amy
Charles Elliott
You certainly communicate. Would extreme pain also have been part of this experience?
Wondering
Was that a scream she heard
makes it all seem so distant and vicariously experienced, when I always thought I would be more like extreme agony in every pore. Do the drugs they give them to help them withdraw actually produce that kind of out-of-body sense?
Just curious!
Sharp Little Pencil
In my grandmother’s time, there were no drugs. Just strapping down to dry out. Complicating this was the fact that the mentally ill and alcoholics were all in the same mix, institutionally. When my grandmother was through drying out from alcohol, they’d force her into steam baths and give her ECT that was massive compared to today’s standards.
I’m glad the line, “Was that a scream she heard” made it see detached, because it might very well have been her own scream, or from that of another “cell.” She would always emerge from these stays (in the 1930s and 40) like a zombie. A compliant, manageable zombie who would listen to her husband instead of spending all day in the library trying to teach herself about the world…
Thanks so much for asking good questions. Hope I’ve answered them to your satisfaction! Peace, Amy
Jeff
It’s clear that her agony left you with a profound impression . . . A poignant piece.
I wonder if you’ve considered expanding this theme and writing more, perhaps a longer piece (if the pain of it is not too much to bear). I suspect you have much more to say.
Sharp Little Pencil
I’ve actually been writing on this subject in bits and pieces for a long white. I’m compiling a chapbook of similar themes related to my mom, my grandmother, and other women’s struggles with addiction, with mental illness (including my own), and self-esteem issues.
The pain has been lifelong, including depression, for me, so this is actually very therapeutic work. If you check back to posts under “mental health” and “addiction” you’ll find a lot. Thanks, Jeff!
Kavita
Oh my!! The situations people put themselves in… it’s really quite sad..isn’t it?! Frankly, I hope she comes out of that state, and stays healthy too.. *sigh* .. it scares me to think otherwise..
Interestingly, my d’Verse poem is kinda on similar lines this time… not entirely similar, but KINDA similar 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
Mom made it through ten years sober and was sober when she died twenty years ago. As far as Grandma Blanche, who was the real subject of the poem, she was subjected to electroshock and other therapies and was a shell of her former self by the time she died in her 60s. She was an amazing woman, too intelligent for a housewife in the 30s, and she was manic depressive, as am I, so she was institutionalized a lot. First they’d sober her up, then came the shock treatments… I’m so grateful to live in a time where the stigma is slowly lifting and I can get the help I need for my manic depression, as well as speak out about my father’s molesting me as a little girl. It’s a long road from Victim to Survivor, but I’ve made it this far with the help of meds and therapy. Thanks, Kavita; I’ll check your blog now! Peace, Amy
henryclemmons
Very real, very good, I luved the honesty of your voice. Very well penned!
Never been there, but you made me feel like I was along on the ride.
http://henryclemmons.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/franken-poem/#comments
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank God you’ve never been there, Henry! Thank you for a truly encouraging comment. Peace, Amy
Rosemary Nissen-Wade aka SnakyPoet
A nasty experience, but obviously worth the pain.
Sharp Little Pencil
You got that one right, Rosemary, for my mom, at least. The poem was actually my grandma Blanche, and she would endure the detox, followed by electroshock therapy and lots of other Snake Pit stuff until they calmed her out of her manic state to make her “acceptable for society” again… oy vey. My DNA must have been fished out of the La Brea Tar Pits! Amy
Mike Patrick
Most people don’t consider alcohol detox as dangerous, but it is. When we had to lock up a hardcore alcoholic, they were placed on the same as a suicide watch, not because of a suicide risk, but because they could go into withdrawal and die. Watching someone in DTs is only funny to someone who doesn’t know how serious it is.
God bless you, Amy. You don’t shy away from the tough ones.
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, Mike, you know the bitter truth. My mom didn’t want to go to the hospital because, in those days, she would have ended up in the mental ward, and she grew up knowing her mother was manic depressive and would come home from hospital looking like a zombie from the high-dose ECT.
Hey, neither of us shy away from the tough ones. It’s important to help others release themselves of unearned guilt, or maybe seek treatment. That’s part of my calling as a poet. Bless you, Michael. Amy
Kwee Lewis
Good for your Mom, and hey, good for your Dad!
Sharp Little Pencil
I do indeed honor my father for helping her through this. For all the BS, he did a great job to help her avoid institutionalization. Perhaps he also remembered how Charlotte’s own mom, my grandma Blanche, was after coming out of hospital…
There is always hope for redemptive acts. This was his shining hour. I know you understand, Kwee, and bless you! Amy