THIS POST IS FOR ADULTS ONLY. PLEASE BE AWARE, IT’S ROUGH.
Bitter Fruits
Five years old
She fears flashbulbs
Finicky about swallowing medicine
“Let it float, like a boat,” frantic mother
urges. Finally, the girl
chews the bitter aspirin.
Flannel nightgown often found wet at dawn.
Fragile, frail, their final filly.
Til forty, fortunate to forget
she was her father’s favorite pet.
© 2011 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
What can I say? Sometimes I have to tell the truth. Peace, Amy
For ABC Wednesday (letter F) and, as always, Poets United.
Sharp Little Pencil 
Debbie
Yes, you do have to tell the truth. And you do it in a way that doesn’t harm, but helps. Thank you for the hard truths you bravely share.
Sharp Little Pencil
I wasn’t sure if I should share this with people, but the time seemed right. We do need to tell our truths, and maybe others will be emboldened to tell theirs, whatever they may be. Thanks so much, Debbie, and bless you, Amy
Misk Mask
Bless you, Amy. This couldn’t have been easy to write.
Sharp Little Pencil
Not easy to write – not easy to share, but I’ve been called to tell my story, and it’s time I notched it up a bit… but just once in a while. Thanks for your encouragement, Marilyn. Peace, Amy
Tilly Bud
Oh Amy.
I don’t know what to say.
I’m a great believer in ‘less is more’ when it comes to poetry. I never read a poem that better proved the adage than this one.
I never read a poem that left me more upset.
I can’t ‘like’ this poem, no matter how good I think it; but I can tell you that I like and admire you.
Sharp Little Pencil
You know, Linda, I would not punch that “like” button either. There should be other choices, such as: interesting, nauseated me, flotsam…!
I make light of it, but this was the most dangerous of the personal poems I’ve put on my blog. I PROMISE this will not become one of those navel-gazing pity party blogs! But then, you know me well. Sorry you were upset, but that’s the fact of the matter… reading it and being upset are signs of a gifted reader, one who takes it all in and lets it affect her… so I thank you so much. Peace, Amy
Nanka
This hit me hard, bitter and strong!!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you, Nanka, for a gracious reply. This was my most difficult post to date, because I am finally writing in the first person. It’s not some other little girl, you know? Peace, Amy
Nanka
Oooops!! I was hit so hard that I forgot….
ABCW for
My F Post
Sharp Little Pencil
Wow, that was a one-two punch, apparently! I’m on my way! Amy
Roger Green
Yes, that was definitely NOT fun, as you promised.
ROG, ABC wednesday team
Sharp Little Pencil
I tried to warn everyone. The difference is, I’m finally writing in the first person. But don’t worry, I’m not going to start posting nothing but pity parties, Roger!! Thanks, Amy
Bodhirose
Very bitter–so sorry, Amy…
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you, Gayle. I’ve finally made it to the first person in the sexual abuse poetry. Very difficult hurdle to jump, but I’ve forgiven, through lots and lots of therapy. It’s like it’s in a bubble over there. Now I can observe it as a painter renders a portrait… which is good. Peace, Amy
booguloo
You know what they say about the truth. Great write. Be free.
Sharp Little Pencil
Free I am, Michael, and thanks for that comment. As Lex quoted Pres. Garfield, “The truth will set you free. But first, it will make you miserable.” Hence the therapy, which allowed me to go from victim to survivor.
I appreciate your encouragement, buddy. Amy
hmtmac
Painful but beautifully said.
HelenMac
ABC Team
Sharp Little Pencil
Helen, you are the second person from the team to contact me. I truly appreciate that. Thank you for your support. And I promise they aren’t ALL bummers – you know me better than that! Amy
jannie funster
That poor little girl. This broke my heart.
You are brave to write this. Thank you.
Sharp Little Pencil
Jannie, I’ve written on the subject before, but this was the big hurdle: Writing in the first person. Loads of therapy, lots of prayer… thanks so much for your compassionate response. Amy
Mike Patrick
This doesn’t require a warning, Amy. It should be required reading for every parent. Destroyed lives come from wounds that never heal.
Sharp Little Pencil
I think that, if you really examine the scars and figure out the whole story, the healing can begin. Required reading for every parent? Half the parents I know would faint or be too busy watching “Dancing With The Stars” to bother. Sorry, but I’m cynical when it comes to the quality of parenting these days. I WISH they’d read it… but have my doubts. Bless you, friend. Amy
dreamingthruthetwilight
What can I say Amy except that it stops hurting you. You’re not just your body , you’re something beautiful and pure and who can violate or defile that shining patch of light within you.?Love, Nadira
Sharp Little Pencil
Ah, Nadira, thank you. It stopped hurting years ago, after a lot of counseling and some meds as well. I had to learn first how to trust men, then how to love them. Finally I met Lex and found I could be married to someone who’s also my closest friend. His support through all these changes has been invaluable in my recovery.
Bless you for all the nice things you say about me. May I prove worthy of them in God’s eyes. Love you too, Amy
Kwee Lewis
I respect you, dear Friend. And wish, honestly, I had your bravery. I think, I don’t know, some place along the way the wounds broke something in my mind, you know? I’ll tell you sometime, after I get a bit braver 🙂
Hugs and peace, Dear One.
Sharp Little Pencil
We will always be able to talk, Kwee, you know that. This was the FIRST time I was able to write about it in the first person, and so I have had quite a breakthrough. Hope I warned people enough about the content. I did everything but post a skull and crossbones at the top, LOL.
Hugs and peace right back, sweetie, Amy
Traci B
Amy, it’s one of the most difficult things we do as poets and writers, this opening of the soul. I pray that if there are any unhealed parts of your heart in connection with this time in your history, they will be healed and restored before too much longer.
This was a painful one to read, but I’m honored you shared it with me. In return, I want to link you to a post in my prose blog, Tracings:
http://tracibonney.wordpress.com/2011/05/08/my-journey/
Sharp Little Pencil
Traci, first I went to your blog to read your poem, and I will comment there, but yes, there are too many ways for a woman’s heart to break. I share that sorrow as well, because it was all I could do in the situation, or so I thought. Yours is a painful read as well, but so filled with faith and hope, in a way, it’s also redemptive.
As for my journey, it led me to the same place – an encounter with the Spirit when I was at my lowest, which also led me to therapy and finally a diagnosis that explained a lot about my choices, my beyond-eccentric life, my taste in men, my struggles with drugs. Having accepted life as a child of incest with alcoholic parents, I made the decision to go from Victim to Survivor. Had I not made that leap, this blog would not exist. I might not still be here. There but for the grace of God… Thanks, and peace, Amy
Jess P
I think you did a lovely job telling the story without being too graphic, or angry.
It’s sad, but from reading the comments, you’ve come quite a ways. May you continue to heal and do well. It takes alot to write such a piece in first person.
Sharp Little Pencil
Jess, I appreciate the critique. This was the first time I wrote of incest in the first person (so I thank you especially for mentioning that).
In telling my own story, I wasn’t sure if I was going over the line… but then, one of my sisters wishes I’d keep my big mouth shut anyway. And yes, thanks to God, my husband, three extremely gifted therapists, and two understanding psychiatrists (plus one who left me babbling like a baby, what a jerk), I’m really on the right path. Peace to you and yours, and thanks again, Amy
Kavita
That really stung… But hats off to you, sweetie..for the bravery that you’ve shown by writing this here!
And yes, I pray that this courage always stays by you..
Lots of warmth and love flying your way, dear friend ..
Xoxoxo
Sharp Little Pencil
Kavita, everyone has been so supportive. I’ve written on this subject before, but this time I wrote in the first person. It was in my past, and because of faith, Lex, and amazing psychiatric and psychological support, the courage is there. I am planning a chapbook on many of these themes, of women carrying unearned guilt and pain because of what was visited on them, as well as other themes involving women’s mental health and their many facets. Thanks, Kavita, xxoo, Amy
Leif G.S. Notae
Intense piece here, one I can relate to (you and I share the same path) and I think I have been there on many nights when I was younger. Marvelous and cathartic to say the least. Thanks for sharing Amy!
Sharp Little Pencil
Cathartic, yes, thank you, Leiffy. So many folks have been through this… I’ve written on “strangers in the night” who weren’t really strangers before, but this time I upped the ante and “came out” in my poetry, although I write firsthand in my bio about being an abuse survivor.
I very much appreciate your thoughtful comments. So sorry you are a brother in this, hon. Peace, Amy
Renee Espriu
The harsh truth about the lives of children growing up can be a ‘bitter pill’ to swallow but so true in some cases. Fortunately, some come out the other side stronger and unfortunately many are lost. Sad but reality can be that way. Thank your for this post.
Sharp Little Pencil
Renee, although I have spoken out about being an incest survivor, this was the first time I spoke poetically in the first person. It was difficult – and one sister has threatened to cut me off. I told her to bite me. This is about me, not her!
So MANY girls and boys commit suicide, abuse themselves with drugs and alcohol without knowing why they need “the numb” (and that was me in my early years). The more we talk about it, about the unearned guilt, the more we understand that this stuff DOES happen, and it’s almost never “the pedophile who moved in down the block” or “some gay guy.” It’s usually a relative or trusted family friend, and 93% self-identify as STRAIGHT. Thanks so much for your sensitivitiy, Renee. Love, Amy
Tumblewords
Well written. There’s much to learn and much to do in this world. You’ve made a big impact with this poem and for that I thank you.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you so much, Susan. I hope this poem reaches someone who needs to hear that it’s not just her… or him. Peace, Amy
Inside the Mind of Isadora
When I had read this originally, I had only clicked the “like” button because I did not want to comment on what I thought it was saying. I have come back and re-read it and with the comments see that it was in fact what I thought it might be.
This has been a peeling of a very deep layer for you. My heart aches for your pain. You have done what is required … said the words … and so eloquently. You were gentle in describing your terror and suffering. May you find peace with it now.
Blessings and super hugs to you,
Isadora xoxo
Sharp Little Pencil
isadora, someone actually was reticent to click the “like” button because she couldn’t say she liked it as much as she felt it. I understand.
I have written about incest and child abuse before, but this was the first time I had the courage to put it in the first person, so it was a milestone for me.
Talking about it, here, publicly, may help someone else seek therapy (which is where I purged my demons, so to speak, and came around to right relationship with the incidents and with my father, who’s been dead for 20 years, and my mom, who knew). I have peace with it now, but only through therapy and my intense need to express it did that peace come about. You can’t pray it away; you can’t get “washed in the blood of the Lamb” and BAM! forgiveness and peace will be visited upon you. So many women (and men) walk around with a gut filled with unearned shame and guilt, and they don’t even know where it’s coming from.
Thanks so much for coming back and commenting, Izzy. It means the world to me. Loads of hugs to you, too, Amy xxoo