To all my dear friends,
For the past several days I have been fighting an almost crippling depression. My doctor has adjusted my meds, and my therapist calls to check in on me – a wonderful person. Most of all, Lex is a patient source of never-ending support and strength, even as he handles the day-to-day of a whole church (but then, he has a rocking staff).
So please forgive my lack of catching up with comments – I WILL get to them… and I am in a place where writing is useless, but I keep trying. Lots of balls of paper by my writing space. Please keep me in prayer, thoughts, and meditations (medications?!) as I fight my way back to the surface. I’ll be my snarky, ironic, silly self soon, with God’s grace.
Thanks for understanding, and forgive my little “pity party” post. Ironic, I just did the NAMI Walk, and then fell down the rabbit hole. Peace, Amy
Sharp Little Pencil 
Tilly Bud
You are in my prayers.
Do you know Tinman’s blog? He also suffers like you.
Sharp Little Pencil
No, Linda, I’ll have to check him out. The world needs kindred spirits… but I only really suffer when depression is at its worst. 95% of the time, I’m functional a nd fun, but too scattered to consider an actual job. Nor am I “certifiable” enough to go on disability, which I will avoid at all costs. People scam the system all the time: “I have anxiety; I can’t work,” shoving a Big Mac and a huge sugar-laden drink down their gullets. A
Tilly Bud
http://tinman18.wordpress.com
Couldn’t add the link in the other box for some reason.
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks for this, LInda, saves me time!! Feeling great now… thanks for prayers. Amy
vivinfrance
Amy, get well soon. I’ve emailed you. Love, ViV
booguloo
Let’s hope for a short episode.
Andrew
Keeping you in my medications for sure. There is light ahead. Peace!
Roger Green
Of course, I’m sorry about your depression.
For me, I find that the writing is the therapy. Also, and this has been mighty difficult with the Wife working on her online course, thus tying up our one computer with Internet access, that I tend to compose on the computer and then edit. This is a function, no doubt, of my lousy typing, but even lousier penmanship.
Still, I wonder sometimes if I ought to see a therapist, though I’m “too busy” to go, or something like that.
Sharp Little Pencil
Never be too busy to go to a therapist. NO SHAME, only finding out why your journey may be hindered by the past or by family crap that’s long gone but still holds you a bit in its thrall… I say go for it, Roger!
Kim Nelson
Sending lots of love and support, and keeping you in prayers and warm, loving thought. Thank goodness you know there is a way out of the rabbit hole, Amy. Blessings and Peace!
Debbie
Thank you for letting us know so we can pray. No pity party here . . .you are just doing what you are suppose to do! Lifting you up right now.
love, deb
Poetry & Icecream
Get better soon….I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Buddah Moskowitz
Ameleh – sending love and prayers for your return! The poem below was written in 2007 (in a very different voice) – mosk the witz
Blue Quicksand
I wasn’t watching
my step
and I slipped
and now I’m sinking
there’s nothing
exotic or adventuresome
in this struggle
I seem
helpless
to fight its narcotic pull
disconnected
despairing
and lonely
details upon
problems upon burden
upon miseries
weighing down my shoulders
pushing down
on my head
I watch the world
hustling by
noisy
unaffected
and laughing
as I sink further into
this blue quicksand
I try and stay calm
and say to myself
“I’ve been here before
and I’ve always
gotten out”
so I wait it out
playing calm
against panic
waiting for someone
or something
to throw me a line.
Sharp Little Pencil
Buddah, this is what it’s all about. Waiting to get through it. My psychiatrist asked if I was having any sort of suicidal feelings and I confessed, “I have far too much ego to off myself. Even at my worst, I think the world is an interesting place; maybe a bit more so because I’m in it.” I know you will understand this because we are both quirky and ironic. Sarcastic. But not a mean bone in our bodies, right? All love, bruddah, and thank you for sharing this.
TO ALL: Some of you have contacted me on Facebook (thx Kwee, for your message) and by email (y’all know who you are), but I simply cannot do all these good wishes personally or I’ll never get back to bloggling. Forgive me for this BIG CUDDLY BLANKET OF THANKS for your ideas, prayers, wishes, meditations. And whoever has that voodoo doll of me can stop stabbing it. I get it, you don’t like my poetry, ha ha haha.
Glad to be back kids, and now: TO THE LUMBERYARD! (Bet Roger knows the movie citation.) Love, peace, and NO MORE WAR, Amy
laurie kolp
Amy- Thanks for letting us know. I will definitely keep you in my prayers.
liv2write2day
I’m sorry you have to go through this. ..but also believe it’s part of what makes you the beautiful, sensitive, creative person you are. Prayers, my friend.
Jannie Funster
Hugs, and hugs and hugs and hugs to you, dear lady.
IslandCAT2u
Hang in there – this time of the year gets to me, too. It sounds like you have some good support.
Judith
I am thinking of you and sending you hugs from the other side of the world. Be strong.
leesis
oh what a crappy place to be Amy. Sending you lots of love, light and hugs and knowing you’ll be rising soon. xx
christine
sometimes its just good to just, be.
i understand where you are, depression is a box, the lid opens slowly and sometimes its hard to find the way out of it.
there’s nothing poetic one can say that can help you, except that I am thinking about you, and know, that i understand,and please take care of your self, comments are not necessary, just, be.
Lori McClure (@lorimcspeaks)
Prayers for you 🙂
nan
Be well, Amy. Thinking of you.
Kwee Lewis
It’s okay, Sister. I too am working my way back to the surface, very slowly. I flipped out and off the Earth for a while myself, which landed me in the hospital for a couple of weeks. I’ve only been home a couple of days. My brother-in-law who is Malloy’s next youngest brother, Joe, has come to stay a while. He’s not Malloy, but he’s a really great guy. I still feel like I’m wearing someone else’s body and watching myself. So, hey, you pity party on and I’ll bring the chips and salsa. I’ve been feeling so bad for all the out-of-touch I’ve racked up. I suggest to just let it go, and do what you do, when you do it. People can wither deal with it, or go away. 🙂
(((hugs))) Stay close to Lex, and true to yourself, and you’ll be okay.
brian
i am sorry that you you are struggling in this way…got you in prayer and glad you have those that are there to care for you!
contemplativemoorings
Wishing you health…
Carrie Burtt
I know that can be hard Amy….hope that you are feeling much better soon.
You are missed! 😦
Carrie at Hope Whispers 🙂
johnallenrichter
No need to hurry back…… honesty, my new meds have me reeling in nausea and headaches and am only beginning to adjust…… God I hate it…. take your time Amy and remember to bless those in your life!
Sharp Little Pencil
I’m there with you, John, adjusting to a new med can be quite the mind (and stomach) bender. Take care, good care, honey. We’re all in this together, and you are one of my blessings!
Joseph Harker
*hug* Take care of yourself, k? Climb back from the rabbit hole soon.
Sharp Little Pencil
Just emerging; however, I’m afraid my time spent there yielded far less noteworthy adventures than did Alice’s. Thanks, darlin’!
RJ Clarken
Hang in there, girlfriend. Thinkin’ aboutcha!
Sharp Little Pencil
Knew I could count on you, Randi. xo
Sherry Blue Sky
Amy, no worries. Rest and heal and we are all here waiting when you are ready to pick up the lance again………even warrior hearts need down-time you know, we get tired! I know the ups and downs you grapple with from someone close to me and I know the downs are no fun. But they do pass. I recommend: you watch Bridesmaids, out on dvd. It is hilarious and will cheer you up! I am so glad you have Lex. Lucky two, to have found each other in this big old world.
Sharp Little Pencil
THx, Sherry, my dear. I have been watching nothing but fun romantic comedies. Saw Bridesmaids when Riley was here in Madison, and the scene after they leave the restaurant had me gasping for breath, tears were streaming down our faces, we almost peed. So yeah, a great movie.
Lex is a Godsend. And you know? He actually feels the same way, so how lucky am I?
georgefloreswrite
Do what you need to feel better. Big hugs and prayers for you!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, George!
MiskMask
You are always in my thoughts. xx
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks Marilyn, and you are in mine. Hugs, Amy
Old Raven
be well
let her be well
lord lift the gloom
let her be well
let her feel good
and let her feel well
let her walk into a room
into her head that is
full of laughter
lord lift the gloom
Amy I don’t know you. But I know a pity party and your words are not one … they are very brave, you are brave to reach out. I admire that. Liz
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you, Liz, and thanks so much for the meditative, hopeful poem. Thank God it’s over. Now I’m a little manic, but I’ve learned that yogic breathing can help me keep cool! Amy
Inside the Mind of Isadora
Dear Amer,
I have been off from my blog friend visits so seeing this upset me. ~~~ : – (
I feel your pain. I am so in the midst of how you feel just by your posting it. Those lows that would surround my daughetrs were sometimes impenetrable and overwhelming for me because I felt so helpless. I’m sending you a teddy bear hug filled with warm energy to lift your spirits and bring you emotional relief. You are so special and many people care and love you. I want you to know you are very dear to my heart and others and very needed.
Blessings and Hugs,
Izzy xoxoxo
Sharp Little Pencil
Izzy, you’re the best. Did you know I still have Riley’s huge teddy bear and sometimes I do cuddle up with it when I’m depressed? So perhaps your thoughts were channeled into Ted (his preferred nickname!) this time around. Bless your daughters, I know what it’s like to stand by and blame yourself, even if t he guilt is unearned. You can’t help it, being all at sea and wondering what to do. Hang in there, babe. Love, Amy xxoo
California Ink in Motion
Just read this today. You are not alone girl. I read some loving responses here. Sending love……take care.
Sharp Little Pencil
I really do have the best, most supportive friends in my life… i hope to meet some of them someday! I’m shooting for the Dodge Poetry Festival in NJ, 2012! Love you, Amy