Pastor Hellevangelist
Sunday morning funnies aren’t in
the newspaper but on
TV, toupeed and pancaked
Those televangelists put on
quite a show, preachin’ ‘bout
all the horrible sins they know
will send YOU straight to Hell
Then the preacher’s healings they show
Miss “Mah sinuses ache” WHAM!
The Holy Spirit is there in his hand
She’s on the floor, flailing, flattened
Now he’s singin’ solo with the band
Amazing, grace has graced this man
with abundance straight from God:
Mansion, limo, trophy wife
Teleparishioners are awed
and send him money to keep up
his cathedral lifestyle
A few bucks to Darfur, but most
keeps up his shiny white smile
He’s quick on the drawl, sending
other folks all to Hell
‘til he’s caught with this mistress
at the local No-Tell Motel
or taking young boys under his wing
and under the covers
under cover of righteousness
Then his wife discovers
So Sunday, tune in, turn on to
the big show: The Satanic versus
the squeaky-clean teleGod man
He knows all the curses
© Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
Written for ABC Wednesday, brought to you by the letter P. Also at my cornerstone, Poets United.
Sharp Little Pencil 
Roger Green
Amen. Preach it, sister!
Sharp Little Pencil
Preachin’ to the choir, man!! Thanks, Roger. Peace, Amy
vivinfrance
Such hyopocrisy. greed and double standards are enough to turn the average Joe (and Joan) against God altogether. You have written a powerful poem here.
Sharp Little Pencil
It’s sad that people look straight to the priest or pastor for their connection to God, rather than within their own hearts and minds. I appreciate your critique, Viv, and I agree – these guys are the height of hypocrisy. And Jesus never had a place to lay his head… Amy
booguloo
I used to listen to several of those folks a long time ago, but the one I did and still like; though he’s dead is Theodore H. Epp who did Back to the Bible on radio for years. He wasn’t an evangelist as you see and hear them today, but he did know the scripture.
I understand the way you feel about today’s TV preachers. I wonder how many they drive away from the church.
Sharp Little Pencil
I have never heard Theodore Epp preach, but in general, the radio preachers weren’t the greedy ones. It’s the showmanship aspect of TV that gets pastors believing their own BS more than believing in spreading the Good News and finding ways to reach out in love to the world. If people would turn off their TVs and go out into their towns “church shopping,” they would probably find a community waiting for them with open arms – same as Muslims and Jews, Buddhists and other faith traditions! Amy
kaykuala
Amy,
You catch the true leanings of these masquerades. They often are describing what they can do or did but cleverly disguised as sins for others! Excellent verse!
Hank
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks so much, Hank. Yes, the folks who scream condemnation the loudest are usually the biggest hypocrites, just like “Family Values” politicians who get their foot caught sliding under the men’s room stall… I appreciate your comment! Peace, Amy
leesis
yet again I love this Amy. I reckon Jesus would dig this too…though personally I would never speak for him 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
Nor would I! The people who pretend to speak for God rather than speak in ways inspired by God worry me.
It’s my hope Jesus would like my whole blog, especially the political stuff, because he was a prisoner of conscience, executed by the State for speaking truth to power. Thanks, Leesa, Amy
Daydreamertoo
Oh I’ve seen some of these people, they are so like the ‘medicine men’ of the old days, touting a miracle cure in a bottle that says it is and therefore it is!
The fact that so many become hypnotized or mesmerized by it all is amazing. I watch them and think,: ‘You just don’t even know’ It’s all Hype, Just like America has overdone Christmas, Easter and other religious holidays so the TV Evangelists are OTP (Over the top) trouble is, their bubbles usually tend to burst.
Couldn’t agree more with you on all this. One day maybe some will see that their church of God is within them all. Sad to think, they think they are so right and yet, they will not be ‘saved’ along with the rest of us. LOL
Your piece is so good, you got me on my soap box again. LOL
Sharp Little Pencil
Mi soap box es su soap box, LOL.
Your take on Christmas and Easter is so true. I wish people would understand that Christmas is not Santa’s birthday! One pastor I know has a term for people who only show up at church on Christmas Eve and Easter: “Creasters.” Ha ha. As I have often said, folks should look within for God, then if they feel called to it, go out in town and “shop” for a place to worship. Chances are very good they’ll find a church, temple, or mosque or other gathering place where they cannot just worship, but form relationships with other people that extend past water-cooler gossip. Spirituality is a lifelong journey. Thanks so much for another spirited comment! You’re on a roll! Amy
Nanka
Ha ha ha!! You have described them well!! I did accidentally see something that you have described here on the TV, and you have done a perfect job!! I can very well picture the show 😀 right up to “keeps up his shiny white smile” LOL!!
Sharp Little Pencil
Oh, Nanka, you crack me up. I should have mentioned crocodiles’ teeth in there somewhere, because these guys will eat anyone’s bank account right up. Old ladies have been known to send thousands of dollars to these “telemarketers for salvation”! I love that when you did see one of the shows, it was by accident. But how can one NOT watch that spectacle? It’s like a train wreck – you know you shouldn’t look, but it’s impossible to avert your eyes… Thanks! Amy
claudia
smiles.. you captured them well… you haven’t seen our german word-for-sunday tv preachers… they are the total opposite.. but not really better.. smiles
Sharp Little Pencil
Oooh, I’ll have to look them up on YouTube! Wonder if they have bad hair, too… hugs, Amy
chrstine
and the crystal cathedral falls…
Sharp Little Pencil
We can only hope. But who’s going to clean up the shards, LOL?
Buddah Moskowitz
Yahoo! This was great! I *do* miss Ernest Angley though 🙂 Great Ameleh!
Sharp Little Pencil
Bruddah, you’re the second person to mention Ernest Angley. I do not know of this preacher… perhaps a coastal thing, like Cal Worthington and his dog, Spot?!
Love you, Buddah. Ameleh
Kim Nelson
My Dear Amy~
You’ve perfectly captured the essence of the evil involved in the industry. It’s almost comical, if not for the myriad victims. I always enjoy and learn from your perspectives. Thank you!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thank you, Kim. It is an “industry,” and I’m glad to have that perspective from you. I agree, it’s tempting to laugh, and then you look at those poor folks in the pews and feel such sadness… Amy
Peggy Goetz
The Sunday funnies indeed! They seem especially vulnerable to the temptations of power.
Sharp Little Pencil
The full verse is, “The LOVE OF money is the root of all evil.” These guys start believing they have special powers… special entitlement to wealth… and Jesus never had a pillow to rest his head. Shame on them. Thanks, Peggy! Amy
wordsandthoughtspjs
Amy, I am not sure if I should laugh or cry about this. You certainly do make one think. I don’t understand the attraction to people like televangelists. They appear so fake not sincere at all.
Pamelita 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
It’s accessible from one’s living room. It’s entertaining. There’s music and sweaty preaching and an altar call, all without having to leave your house and actually participate in the life of a congregation and interact with other people. It’s like a Jesus vaccination! You’re right – they are SOOO fake! Peace, Amy
Richard Cody
Yes,
Sharp Little Pencil
What else is there to say, right? 8^) Amy
Renee Espriu
Whoa! Don’t get me going on the TV Evangelists but you have packed a punch with this one to see some humor in it all. Nice write, Amy!
Sharp Little Pencil
Thanks, Renee. It’s hard not to tap into the humor, the irony of these big phonies, you know? Amy
brian
ugh. sadly too often the truth…when we put people on pedestals or they put themselves they often fall…and i grew up in the hellfire and brimstone…even got asked to leave the church in my wayward days…cant stand it…
Sharp Little Pencil
I cannot imagine what it’s like to be asked to leave a church. Yet there are preachers in churches who blithely condemn people for everything from gender orientation to “radical views.” If you don’t keep lockstep in some churches, you’re out. I’m glad I’m in the United Church of Christ, because it’s open and affirming of ALL. I mean, even Jesus would feel welcome there, no matter how bad he smelled from the road, homeless as he was…!
The TV guys really get me going because it’s the Barnum and Bailey of theology. Yuck. Thanks, Brian, and I’m truly sorry those Pharisees left a bad taste in your mouth. Try the UCC or the Unitarians! We are the cure for hellfire and brimstone!! Love, Amy
Mary
Ah yes, and these preachers often prey (not pray) on the elderly. My mother was a follower of the one who preached ‘seed faith’ for a while and did a little bit to fatten his overflowing coffers. The ‘seed faith’ caught on with people, it seems. And how strange that it translated into MONEY sent to ‘the one’ rather than works or prayers or $ given to a LOCAL church. Richard tried to follow in his father’s footsteps a while. I wonder what became of him.
Sharp Little Pencil
Sounds more like “seedy faith,” but you know, a lot of shutins don’t have anywhere else to turn unless they were once part of a church and have a pastor who, like Lex, comes to visit, to pray, to share communion, to hold her hand… Thanks so much, Mary. Amy
Inside the Mind of Isadora
This is right on … it’s hilarious but so true. I think you have described the perfect
charlatan. I think adding the alligator shoes and zuit (ugh – spelling) suit might be a nice addition. LOLOL
Love this, Amer,
Hugs,
Izzy
Sharp Little Pencil
Snakeskin boots for snake oil salesmen!! Ha ha, glad you liked this, Izzy! Love, Amer