Living With It
I live with manic depression
My constant companion
Reflecting my moods,
flexible in social situations
Always ready for conversations
At night, as I lie in fetal position,
it spoons my spine
It dances in the rain with me; it’s
my partner trolling homeless venues
People say my brain ain’t right
I say, “Wrong”
I see things wide awake they
cannot conjure in dreams
Hear music of another world while
their ears are stuck in this one
Feel the breeze blowing
through my soul, sweet and
filled with love.
If all that’s wrong, well,
like the song says,
I don’t wanna be “right”
© 2013 Amy Barlow Liberatore/Sharp Little Pencil
‘Bipolar’ sounds like you’re either up or down. It can be that way, but I prefer the term manic depression, rooted in depression with frequent upswings in energy when left untreated. Yet here I am, with proper treatment, claiming the best part – that “other-mindedness” of which I often write. I feel God has blessed me (God can be quirky), and I hope my gratitude is reflected in this poem. For Imaginary Garden With Real Toads’ Open Link Monday.
Peace, Amy
Sharp Little Pencil 
henna ink
Love these:
“it spoons my spine”
“I see things wide awake they
cannot conjure in dreams”
Sharp Little Pencil
The “spooning my spine” came up in a moment of realizing the intimacy that I have with my condition after all these years. Thanks!
McGuffy Ann
While I do not have this, I am close to people who do. I have seen some suffer, some deny, and some just go with it. I am happy you are at peace with it and yourself.
Sharp Little Pencil
Going with it works for me, as long as that includes my meds and my therapist. Throwing meds at any condition without talking things over is useless, yet a lot of psychiatrists do that without compunction. Drives me bonkers. So to speak!
Mary
I do think that a lot of artists / writers over the years have been bipolar. Without this, undoubtedly a lot of wonderful paintings and writings would not have been produced. I do understand what you are saying in your poem.
Sharp Little Pencil
Mary, thanks for your understanding. It’s not that one has to have a chemical imbalance to be artistic – I know loads of balanced, mentally healthy folks who create great art of all kinds. But yeah, that “constant companion” helps me be more creative.
Barbara altman
Amy: I too have lived with depression. It’s never hopeless. I have found tremendous help in using nutrient therapy, especially the B vitamins. I was psychotic at one point and had huge problems with sleep. You can check me out on youtbue at musician61.
Sharp Little Pencil
Always glad to meet a fellow “otherminded” person. I checked YouTube and could not find you! Will try to get in touch another way…
Josie Two Shoes
I love that you have found to embrace and make peace with all that is you! I know it isn’t always easy, yet you are right that dealing with this gives you an awareness and perspective that others won’t ever know. What I see in you is an incredible amount of kindness, encouragement and love that is such a wonderful gift to those who are privileged to know you. I believe we have to accept ourselves if we desire other people to accept us as we are. If they can’t, then it’s truly their problem, isn’t it?! I love your honesty, your clarity, and your energy to support and defend those who need someone to stand up and make a difference. I’m convinced God knew exactly what He was doing when he created you just as you are! 🙂
Sharp Little Pencil
Josie, thank you for this. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you share my joy at simply being myself. It’s one thing for me to feel it; it’s quite another thing to have someone else recognize that I do indeed feel lucky and blessed. You ROCK, Josie, and I thank you with all my heart. Love, Amy
ihatepoetry
Lemonade, indeed. I loved the weird gratitude herein.
Sharp Little Pencil
Hey, had to add a shitload of sugar to that lemonade, but it all worked out, right? Love you. Ameleh
The Real Cie
I have thought about this: if there were a cure for bipolar disorder tomorrow, would I take it?
I don’t know. I’m not sure I’d know myself as not bipolar.
I’ve read about people who have had their blindness reversed and had trouble navigating the world with their sight restored.
I think I’d be one of those. So in some ways I find myself doubting I’d take the cure for bipolar even though having it has made my life anything but easy.
Sharp Little Pencil
I get what you’re saying, Cie. I would not take a “cure,” because the side effects would be horrible, no doubt.
M/D is something to be balanced, to be maintained. My regime includes a lot of work on my own – exercise, journaling – as well as regularly scheduled meds and talk therapy.
My fear is that the Genome Project will “cleanse” bipolar out of the gene pool. That would be sad, because there’s a certain perspective that would be missed as well. Thanks for this thoughtful comment. Amy
Sara v
Amy you are spot-on. We are all individuals and to try and say whose brain is wrong or right is just society’s sad propensity for trying to keep life in neat little piles and create an us v them…love ya just the way you are.
Sharp Little Pencil
Ha ha, some of those “neat little piles” are piles of… never mind, you get the idea! We are all unique, yes, and we all have quirks. Just because mine need meds and therapy to manage them doesn’t make me less than anyone else. Thanks, Sara. You rock.
Kay, Alberta, Canada
God can be quirky, indeed, Amy, as I know from personal experience. That which seemed to be the worst turned out to be the best.
K
Sharp Little Pencil
Kay, we know God is quirky because of the blowfish and the platypus! But seriously, thanks for your perspective… Amy
Seb
You are what you is….
Sharp Little Pencil
…and that’s ALL that I is… so far! Thanks, Seb. A
Carol Steel
You seem to have found the balance that works for you. That is reflected in your many poems about gratitude for the life you live. Not everyone is so fortunate to find meds and balance. One of my younger sisters has the same challenge and she, while in a phase of mania, exercised so hard that she burst her carotid artery and suffered a debilitating stroke. She survived and still paints watercolours, is a wonderful… calmer person now. But what a tragedy it has been in her life. She’ll never be able to live without care. I’m so happy you can share your challenges and be so honest about what you live. It isn’t easy. You have great courage and much talent. I appreciate what that takes and how you’ve made it work. Applause for your self awareness and bravery. May it help others because one in five, at some point in their lives, will live with mental illness. That means all of us will either live with it or be close to it. Everyone of us. Thank you.
Sharp Little Pencil
Carol, I am so sorry about your sister. My manic side was always exercised in my nightclub work…. seemed to pop up at the right times. Once I was told secondhand smoke would kill me, I joined the 9-to-5 world and that’s when depression took hold, the root of manic depression, which is why I don’t like the word “bipolar.”
Owning it, no blame/no shame, I’m a NAMI StigmaBuster. I talk openly about the condition, even in church, and now, when my prayers include folks living with mental disorders, all of a sudden my husband (pastor) is getting folks to open up, and many have gotten into therapy.
If my poetry gets ONE person into therapy, it’s worth it. Thanks for a caring comment, Carol. Bless you. A
Roger Green
music is exploding in my brain, not only If Loving You Is Wrong, but Hendrix’ss Manic Depression. ###BOOOM##
Sharp Little Pencil
‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy… ha ha, that’s what I thought the word were!
Polly Robinson
A wonderful poem. Peace to you, Amy xx
Kim Nelson
Two of my kids have manic depression. You’ve described it better here than most anyone else can.
Sharp Little Pencil
TWO kids. Kim, I feel for you, because of three daughters in my family, two of us have it, too. But my sis doesn’t seem to be consistent with her meds and goes of them a lot. It’s embarrassing for her family, and her husband (a psychologist, no less) seems to want her to think it’s a thyroid condition – and he insists she see a therapist in HIS practice. Boundaries, hello?
We should talk via email about this if you want. Love, Amy
Debbie
I love you and that statement, “God can be quirky”. Amen from one of His quirky creative moments!
kaykuala
Feel the breeze blowing
through my soul, sweet and
filled with love
I like to think this as a guiding light. You’ve taken it very well. Get it off one’s chest and it comes in little gems that helps to overcome.One is then forever in control and that says a lot. Great take Amelita!
Hank
Sharp Little Pencil
Hank, truly, I appreciate this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in control of this condition, but I feel as though I’m on the right track. It will be with me all the days of my life, and I’m trying to appreciate the gifts, while monitoring the down side. Thanks, hon!
Jim
Hi Amy ~~ Guess I haven’t known you long enough to have realized your status. To me your gift of words today is a wonderful eye opener for me to see into a bit of your world. Not see deeply but I now have had a sampling of a small part of your life. It sooo good that I am ‘almost’ jealous in that I will not be able to experience what you are.
The various comments too from others’ experiences with the bipolar persons in their lives have enlightened me and added to your writing. I love your presentation as a simple explanation of how it is, yet setting boundaries to keep it within our/my thinking parameters.
Is it okay to say, ((((HUGS)))) to you? I hope so because that is how I feel now.
..
Sharp Little Pencil
Hugs are always welcome, Jim! And I have to tell you this – other folks who know me will say I am an open book. For better or worse, I have no qualms whatsoever in discussing my mental health or any other subject most folks consider taboo.
Thanks so much for your enthusiastic reply. Wait until I get to the Topanga Canyon hijinks and another cycle of my childhood. Yikes! Amy
Jim
Amy, I’ll be here reading your further story AND reading your very neat poems.
I’ll be here with you and family in prayers also. 🙂 Thanks for your response.
..
Maggie Grace
I’m not bipolar but major depression since birth. I’m now 60 and the world is finally not always pulling me down. Have had to learn to make friends with it which is what I hear from you. You cope, you deal, it’s part of you. Love how you expressed your view of having an emotional burden that no one gets “over”. Hugs if okay.
sreeja
And that is a sweet wrong… loved the way you put it…its ok to be yourself, my good wishes your way…. depression visits everybody in one or other way… TC
Kerry O'Connor
I think it is so important to make peace with what we cannot change about ourselves, our lives and find the best, even in the worst of situations. I applaud your positive attitude to a debilitating malady.
Margaret
I see things wide awake they
cannot conjure in dreams
Hear music of another world while
their ears are stuck in this one
Yes, you have expressed acceptance and even, appreciation for who you are with these lines. I do thank God you are born today and not of a time long past, as medicine and even understanding of what bipolar is, is so radically different today. It didn’t take much to be sent to an asylum back in the day.
And I can’t help but think that being “out” about it helps everyone cope with it. I’ve known a few people who are bipolar and before I knew, I always thought I had done something wrong. It is hard being a friend when one doesn’t know!
I applaud your courage and honesty. Olivia deHavilland (I’ve loved he forever) starred in a movie in which I have never seen, but one she felt strongly about as she was sick to death of romantic type casting. I think it is called “The Snake Pit” an it was applauded at that time because it took on a taboo subject “mental illness” . I don’t know what her character has as I’ve never seen the movie, but I will now go and put it on my Netflix list. (sorry such a long comment)